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I've been wanting to update and talk about things but find myself instead doing the write/backspace... write/backspace thing. Honestly, that's probably for the best. I don't know how comfortable I feel about just "talking about my feelings" right now. I don't know what would or wouldn't be appropriate audience for that. Hell, I can't even guage any more how many of the people who might read this journal would still actually care about anything like that. Heh, that's not an indictment of you, just the truth. Mostly that's my fault. I don't keep up, I let other people fall by the wayside. I guess spending years knowing people for only a few weeks at a time made me into a kleenex friend sort of person, without the snot and throwing away part. Either because of work or life or just my own inability to keep close contacts, I haven't really talked to people lately. Therefore I find it hard to believe anyone would want to talk to me. Then on top of that, envisioning getting all emotional on the phone with any of you is... hehe...yeah. That's... preposterous.

Right now I am so keyed up, so emotional, that I didn't want Karl to go to work simply becuase I didn't want to be alone. And I'm having a hard time not going back and just deleting all of this becuase it sounds like a steaming pile of LJ drama-whore bullshit... except I don't have any tit shot icons to go with it.

I honestly think I'm in that place where I need just the *right* feedback. That I can't run the risk of no feedback once I put the problems out there... but worse than that I really don't want to have to explain myself or end up feeling defensive about things. I don't want to be mistaken for a drama causer. I don't want to be filed under "another hysterical female". Becuase I'm none of that and while *I* may know that and Karl may know that, how the hell would the rest of you, really? It passes the sounds like, walks like, looks like test and I know that. But I also know it's not that. So I stick to talking to Karl about it. Becuase he's got the inside track here and he's not likely to just think of me as hysterical any time soon.

anyway... that's my update I guess. Holly = not a happy person right now.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
sinisteragent
May. 31st, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I've been there. I'm always terrible at keeping in contact with people, no matter how much I care for them. I always feel like I'm wasting their time if I do call, but feel guilty if I don't. Can't win. The right people usually understand that though, or learn to.

I hope getting it written down helps excorcise a little.
umbrella
May. 31st, 2005 04:55 pm (UTC)
I like dumping friends every few years or so, it means less 'do you remember x?' conversations. In the past I suppose I've had regrets over certain choices that led to friends drifting apart, but most of them are so unbearably trivial that they seem comical in hindsight.

I mean was Mike REALLY that upset I didn't want to see Groundhog Day at the cinema with him?
maddening
Jun. 2nd, 2005 12:28 pm (UTC)
I used to almost have an expiration date on friends. You're bad, out you go. There have only been two people in my life that I've made a conscious "you are no longer someone I associate with" decision about, and one was just a fool from high school who ran hot and cold on me... like any high school boy.

The other was a backstabbing cunt, to even her longest standing friends. She used my "newness" to the group, and the need to be at least okay with everyone to twist things I said and things others said to paint a really nasty picture. I'd never liked her to begin with and always felt uncomfortable around her, so I should have been more than a little suspicious when Drunken Hugfest started up at her house one night and she kept telling me how much she liked me.

Anyway, both had reasons, but really only one was a good one. I just tend to forget to call, be too busy, or they just slip off my commonality radar. Which is sad because some of them I really do have great affection for.

I'm replying to this in the morning, post dog-walk, pre-coffee. I've already waved at a neighbor but have not yet brushed my hair.
umbrella
Jun. 2nd, 2005 03:47 pm (UTC)
Sometimes I just get bored of people, or just enjoy cutting myself off from the tedium of conversing with them. Years ago I used to chat all the time via email and IM to hundreds of seemingly random people, now I think I talk to a handful if that. Most just seemed stuck in the past or boring to me, hence why I also gutted my LJ friends list a few times.

Despite all this I feel fine and not a crazy isolationist. I don't *need* people around to exist, unlike some people do I suppose. I want people who offer something of interest and make some kind of effort at times. I can only talk about my life though, so I'm sure this isn't helping you in the slightest.

I'm replying to this in the afternoon, post-garlic bread vomiting due to excess hangover. It's one of the last times I'll be able and indeed will drink so much so I may as well spend the day paying for it.
frobisher
Jun. 1st, 2005 03:59 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth (ok, not original, but it's appropriate)...

I've never thought of you as hysterical. Heck, you're probably one of the more level-headed people I know. But maybe that just says more about my friends than you. :-)

I don't know if I'm a right person for you to talk to, but I'm around. And you've got my moral support, regardless. I've been bad about keeping contact with people lately myself, but I have this annoying habit of keeping friends, regardless of how often I actually talk to them.

Also, when I have time/branepower/whatever, I have a present for you guys. All I need to do now is pack and ship... Hopefully, having said that will spur me to actually do it.
maddening
Jun. 2nd, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
I'll call you soon. Are you around during the day?
frobisher
Jun. 2nd, 2005 07:18 pm (UTC)
Usually at the office by noonish. You have that number?
maddening
Jun. 2nd, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
maaaaaaaaaaaail me.
this name @livejournal or @gmail.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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