A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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long crap.

It's amazing to listen to Lodi Dodi and realize how many acts have sampled that song. Just over and over.
My brain is sort of all over the place. Because I'm still biting my tongue with so many people. I guess this is how it's always been. I don't know why I never realized it. I've been going a lil insane lately. Finding that a climate of silence is what you've been raised up in... and finding how utterly inane and damaging that is. So, you change yourself. You learn honesty. You learn disclosure. You learn that the things you don't know will indeed hurt you. And the things you don't say will hurt you even more.
And then you get smacked in the face with the realization that in order to just get along with most of the people you know you have to revert.
Once I left it, I never wanted to go back.
But here I am.

Just being nice. And trying my damndest to like it. But I don't. I just don't.
But I'm tempered knowing that no matter how much I want to spill out the whole truth, it will do no good. Nothing I could say would fix or help or facillitate change in anything.
So. Do I just keep shutting the fuck up? Do I try to do it with my actions?
And without the words to explain, how the hell do they know *why* I do what I do?
Kind of hard to understand me anyway, apparently. Never really realized that I was confusing until I got honest. Because that's when it got frustrating. It's so much easier just to lie. That's why I did it for so long. You would think that laying it all bare would be simpiler. But it's just not. Because then I have to *explain* why all this is the way it is. And that's so damned hard. Because there's just too much of it that you had to be there to understand.

Veering way off topic here.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna let someone down. I'm just not clear enough on what I want and what I need to make promises. And I think someone needs promises. Now he's gonna get all neurotic on me. So be it. It's just how I feel. I think that maybe I'm over stepping my bounds. I'm over stating my case. Making myself sound so much surer than I really am and... I dunno. I think I'm gonna hurt him. And that's absolutely the last thing I want to do.
I run away a lot.
And it's usually for the other person's good.
Because I know exactly how much I hurt the people I stay with. And I hate doing it.

I've been told I 'run away' from people in arguments. Every time I've been told that it PISSES ME OFF. Because they've got no fucking clue as to why I'm doing it. Always talking about their temper when they can't fathom the fury of mine and how much I want to shield the world from it. Shield *them* from it... because I would fucking crush you. Really. The things I could say. The way I could say them. Total pure blind fury.
I got brought up in it.
When you've had your shoulder dislocated twice before the age of five for things like.. well.. being in the room... when the wrong person is in the wrong mood...
It gets ingrained that anger is the way to deal with things. If something pisses you off, burn it off on anyone present. Because human subjects show you just how effective and scalding it is. You can see it in the eyes. No matter how much they try to front that it bounced off.. it's there. That little thing you said. Horribly cruel. Horribly fucking true. and it's going to eat at them. Calling them out like that.
And then it gets to the point when all the UNTRUE things get to them. They get convinced that any cruel little thing you have to say is true. That if you call them that, it must be true.
I've been the victim, I've been the victimizer.
So when I tell you that I don't want to talk about it anymore... when I just agree to end the argument or just stop talking, it's not because I'm fucking 'running away' from you (how fucking insulting can you get?) it's because I don't want to perpetuate all the lessons I learned so early on.
I could keep talking.
And I could leave you in fucking shreds.
Because when I learned how to inflict that kind of damage, I also learned how to make sure it never burned me again. Perfect camoflage. You *can't* get to me when I'm in that mode. You *have* no offense against me when I'm in that zone. Because there's only one person that's ever been able to scare me like that and you aren't him.

I *hate* that I'm like that.
So I avoid it. I could keep talking. I could keep trying to stay calm. But it won't work. WHen you hear me giving up... sometimes I'm just tired. Sometimes I'm just bored with it. But chances are that I'm pissed as all hell, out of proportion to the situation. And I can feel that I'm about to lash out at you.
It's for YOU. And, to be honest, for me. Because I don't want to lash out. I hate it when I do it and I'll avoid it at all costs.

Like I said.. my brain is everywhere.
I'm missing Tom. I'm missing Tom so fucking much.
He was always my most incredible friend. And it still hurts that he's gone. I don't let myself think about it most of the time because, well... I never really did the grieving thing. I wasn't allowed to, ya know.
Too many other things happened.
So If I let myself really start thinking about him it hits me. The person I knew who really got my conflicting feelings on the whole thing is the one who broke my heart.
Can't really go talking to him about it, can I?

I'm just generally depressed right now. Have been for almost a month. I know why.
I know it'll go away.

it's actually pretty useless talking about it.
I think that if it rains.. like it's looking it might be about to do...
I'll have to sit it in it for awhile.

and easy E is a silly ass bitch

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