I did a lil venting.
I read that thing on her journal... not her LJ... because well, she *deleted* all the shit on the LJ that she didn't like... But the other one.
I read it and it gave me an instant headache. You ever get that? Where your head just explodes in pain like someone drilled a hole in it and dropped in an m80? or a quarter stick of dynamite....
The collosal... arrogance is what gets me over and over. It always has. It's nothing new. And this latest thing wasn't really arrogant. It just brought to mind all the past conflicts. And most of those were where she exhibited just how twisted her 'logic' is.. and what it basically boils down to is that ... what she says is just right... even if it's wrong... it's right.. because it's what she thinks, feels, says.... so of course it's correct.
So yeah. She wasn't really arrogant here.
Just.. horribly wrong.
But even stating upfront that she won't be open to talking about it or accepting points of view or anything.
And I really am gaddamned insulted.
She really did sort of step over some line that I didn't even know I had.
And even though she even said that she was sure that I was going to write her something about it... I did. I wrote her something.. gave in to that smug assumption.
I'm not happy about that. But I couldn't just keep shutting my mouth. I've done way too much of that.
That's part of the reason we're at this place here.
I used to call out every little thing.
Then I just kind of gave up.
Got tired of arguing the same thing over and over.
It was very pointless.
Apparently by not calling everything out, that implied some sort of... acceptance.
And because of that implication (funny that she's working off of something she can't seem to understand the concept of) somehow... I'm now being rash and strange and outlandish in the things I'm saying.
Because I stopped bitching about it... that must have meant I was okay with it.
And that's so incredibly not the case. I gave up. I went back on that and tried again. That's all it was. Deciding to see past all the things I didn't like to try to discern some that I did. And I did.
I found some things I could really dig about her.
Too bad they're so fucking buried under this avalanche of shit.
I want sooooo much to like her.
It would be pretty cool to be able to be friends with her...it really would. I just can't be friends with someone who paints me with the broadest strokes of understanding possible and refuses to see the subtlety of my coloring and use of light.
I've said all this really badly and I don't think I said even a portion of what I *wanted* to say ... because I need to vent this somehow.
And I only do friends entries when there's really something I don't want everyone knowing, and I parse it down to maybe 3 or 4 people...
So I'm not going to hide this. She sure as shit didn't feel the need to hide her accusations.. and I'm not being nearly as insulting as she was... I dunno.
I shouldnt even begin to base the acceptability of my actions on hers. Not a very good measure...
Just her assumption that this had to be someone else's fault.
That because of what she said to a friend of mine.. *that* is what I'm having a problem with... *that* is what has me annoyed.
She really does seem to have situational amnesia.
Such a fucking girl
I'm angry that she decided someone else was the impetus for this.
That it had nothing to do with me.
That I was just this silly lil girl.. being manipulated.
I know all about manipulation. And the person in question is no manipulator. She very well could be though. Some of the things she said.. she has no idea how close they are to things that someone I dated said. "you should have" being number one on the list. And it's not an aversion to that phrase in general... I've used it myself. As a 'hey, for next time.. this is what you should do' clue in. But the way she used it... and the way he used it... I SHOULD HAVE been psychic and known that things wouldn't work out on their own. I SHOULD HAVE just known that she would be completely unreachable with reason and that all of my most patient and levelheaded efforts would be totally in vain.
And I'm not really saying this is all her fault. Because, well, when anything like this happens, I examine the hell out of myself. While I'm sitting here saying that she did this and that... I'm also telling myself what I should have done.
The only problem is that.. I'm not sure what course of action should have been taken.
Maybe I should have just not started talking to her. Not given her the benefit of the doubt and just kept thinking she was a hopeless moron like I used to.
I really did think that.
It wasn't hard to see that that's how I felt.
Go read the archives of that mailing list. I did nothing but ping on her for months and months. Because she aggravated me that damned much.
But I didn't just keep thinking that. I decided to try that out again.. see if anything had changed...
And I think I saw things that I hadn't before...
That was good.
Part of me thinks that maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. I'm good at that too. Just taking all the crap, saying everything is hunky dorey, never voicing an opinion or telling anyone how I *really* feel. That's why the relationship with Jason was such a disaster. Because I imploded. All the things I never said just... ate me hollow. So I wasn't me at all anymore when I was with him. I couldn't take that. And I don't ever want to do that again. It was horrible for him. It was horrible for me. I did it for my own need to just be nice, not hurt anyone, not cause trouble, not stir the pot... I learned that when I was a kid... just be as quiet as possible, never talk back, never do anything but agree and take it. I guess I didn't realize just how unhappy that had made me.
So .. no... I shouldn't have kept my mouth shut.
It just means that I would have either shut down completely around her or that I would explode and it would be very very nasty. It's like being told that you're wonderful for a long long time and then finding out that the person really deep down hates you. I've been told that that's what it feels like. One huge lie.
And it would have come out eventually. And it would have been so much worse than this.
But I think I'm still here because... this is what I do... This is what I fucking do. I make myself miserable because I always need to feel like I did everything I could. I'm screwed up like that...
I have this feeling about things.. when people feel the need to say things about the events in your life and what you did and why (especially when they do it without knowing anything about what and why) ... that if you don't shut them down... that gives them license to do it again and again. It tells them that it was okay.
And if you stand up later... they'll just be even more baffled by the reaction.. "well, I did it before and you didn't complain..."
I can't just sit there and take someone I know saying shit about me that I know is fucking false. And doing it in a public forum to boot... one that doesn't allow responses.. heheh. And that's why she put that there, I think... So I couldn't respond.. because she knew I would...
Gotta keep up those illusions of control.
I could keep rambling about this but it's just going to degenerate into a lot of bitter insulting things and I think she's already done enough of that.
I'm not happy about her. Haven't been for awhile... and this was just another shit sandwhich on the shit buffett.
Nothing will be resolved, I'm sure. Because she won't let it be.
You poor dear.. you actually read this?
you deserve a cookie and a course in stopping your masochistic tendencies.