ZeeVert: I got busy
ZeeVert: so yeah
FJW: how do you get busy?
ZeeVert: I think you KNOW that..
ZeeVert: but yeah .. I had people talking at me.
FJW: are yew naughty all the time?
I guess it could be worse.
I guess he could say "ewe"
I feel okay... Not wonderful... but okay. I'm calmer for sure. Not that I was really... *hyper* before.. just definitely not okay. It's been awhile since I've been really damned angry. And the last two days I've gotten to feel that again. I can remember what it was like when I felt like that all the damned time. and I won't do the thing that I'm supposed to do here and say that I didn't like it when I was that way.
I think I *did* like it.
In a way...
It makes it hard to really talk to people... but it also erases the need.
And it erases all need to actually think about what you're saying or feeling or thinking. It takes away doubt. It takes away fear... get someone angry enough and they'll do just about anything. And that's how I felt. Gaddamned invincible. I know exactly why i have my temper. I know where it comes from, what feeds it and what sparks it.
I know how to make it go away. And I know how to make it grow.
And it's only after the fact, away from the furnace, that I feel anything other than.. some sort of sick power.. where I can tear down walls and storm through life unabashed and unabaited..
So I've rethought all the things I said this morning.
I could have been calmer.
I could have been kinder.
I could have been a hell of a lot more level headed.
But I also could have been MORE out of control
I could been a hell of a lot more cruel.
and I know that I could have gone off the deep end.
And I didn't.
That's because.. well.. I'm in control of me. And I don't regret what was said. Not really.
And I don't feel the need to recant.
Sure, that might change. But for today... I'm standing by my feelings here.