A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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My life is rather devoid of people at the moment.

I haven't spoken to Mike (the manburger) or Tim (his roomate) for weeks and weeks. I can't really relate to them anymore. And they haven't tried. I spent months taking care of Mike. It became my whole existence. And now that he's well and the case is settled and he's rolling in money (the accident destroyed his left hand. He works with computers. He can't really type anymore and with the tech economy as it is, there are plenty of people in his field who can do his job and not require special allowances for disabilities. So the lawyer who did the hit and run is going to pay through the nose for the settlement.) I guess I'm just not necessary.
Tim and I have a basic conflict over what should have been done about Sean and Sean's illnesses.
I wouldn't have had the shit beat out of me had I only known some basic things about Sean, things I think I had a right to know. Tim thinks I had no real right to that knowledge. The basic dissagreement has become a schizm. So we can't comunicate anymore. So we don't even keep up the pretence. Which I suppose is preferable to just bullshitting each other.
Robert has become the epitome of Tom's father again.
He's distant, he's uninterested...
He's found out just about all he can about Tom. And for all his bold talk about wanting to be a part of *my* life just because of all the things he learned about me through Tom's letters, he's really just come to me when he needs something and left me alone the rest of the time. The few times I've tried talking to him, I've found him to be... well... too much of a father. It was good I think... having this dad type person around that I didn't fear.
But he's not my dad.
I'm never going to have one of those.
I wouldn't know how.
I think he'll be going back to England soon.
I talked to him today because I just needed to be around someone..
he was going to watch tv.
He didn't want company.

Dave and Spank.. haven't talked to them in ages.. haven't even talked to my sister in a long time. I don't know what happened to the people I used to have in my life. They're just not there anymore I guess.
That happens. I shed people.
Unfortunately I sometimes go back and pick them up again.
The whole thing about going back and trying to make amends with Jason was a mistake, but one that I had to make. I had to know that I could be adult and strong and still tell him the truth and speak my mind... but as usual, he did his thing with word twisting and guilt.
ANd he wondered why I said he was controlling.
You don't have to dictate how I dress or who I hang out with to be controlling.
But.. well.. he doesn't understand that.. probably never will.
And he may very well off himself if he's even half serious about his suicidal urges.
I hope he goes to a shrink. He needs to talk out his problems.
He needs to get out of the chains that his father's behavior put him in. He needs to get out of the mindset his mother gave him. He needs a new head. And he needs help attaining it.
And if he's reading this, I can guarantee that he's seething at the notion of me saying what he needs.
So be it.
Let him yell and scream... I can't care about it anymore. I've done what I could. It's not my responsibility anymore.

Mister Questions is his usual non supportive self.
He's always made me feel like crap. I don't think he realized it... becuase I never told him, but he always made me feel bad. ::shrug::
I'm an idiot for getting all wrapped up in him.
And I'm an idiot for letting him still get to me.

Just my usual depressive shit, ya know? Nothing changes that much.
At least I'm different.
I know none of you see it.
But none of you know me.
And I just feel really pathetic right now.

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