my feet hurt. I made the mistake of sitting. I don't notice that they hurt until I sit down for a minute.
Debbie is back from vacation tomorrow.
It was nice for awhile knowing that when there was someone else around that there was someone else around. Now it's just Debbie. And I'll have to hold her hand and walk her through it all over again.
We have to have a talk with her about her playing me and Chris against each other. Mom against Dad. That's the way Chris put it. His wife would have a fit.
A drooly, twitchy lil fit, right there in the store.
I accused him of trying to wow all the wimmins with his tight shirt today and I really did think she was about to snatch me bald headed. Pure hostility pouring off her.
She's got to chill out on the jealousy.
He works with too many women for her to be getting jealous. And he gets by with customers so often because he's insanely charming.
This man told me today that all I really have to do to get guys is tell them that I know how to make keys. I .. I have no idea what the hell he was talking about.
There it is.
I know how to make keys.
I want a lock picking kit.
I got the last one of the lil gifts for mistah lovah lovah. I didn't think I'd actually get it.. just wasting another buck in the machine. and TADA.
but I was too tired to smile.
I've been having lil conversations with mister questions.
I think I'll be okay this time.
I'm not getting all strange and tense and needing to spill a lot of things that really are best left unsaid. I'm remembering things. Mainly why I enjoyed talking to him in the first place. When he wasn't going out of his way to be combative, and I wasn't going out of mine to find fault, we really were pretty decent conversationalists.
Keeping the expectations low.
But I'm content with it.
Something that's never happened with Mister Questions before.
I have to think he'd prefer it that way.
I talked to Sean today.
I talked to Mike.
It was just more... difficult than I really thought I would be able to deal with. But I dealt. Sean tried to hug me. That was the only bad bad moment.
He tried to hug me. And I guess my face just screamed NO
I tensed up. As inviting as hugging a frozen steel girder.
And he backed off.. backed up... I know I made him feel like shit right then. And that's okay. I can't spare his feelings in that arena. I'm doing as much as I can as it is. I won't just spew bullshit.
He asked if I was healed.
"They were just bruises, Sean"
but that's a lie. And I think he knows that.
at least his insanity is defineable.
I can point and say "schizophrenia" I can know what that means.
His presence still scares me.
I haven't had that sort of pointless physical violence thrown at me since I was much younger. I think maybe I'd forgotten a lil. I forgot the way it made me see things.
He wants me to be EXACTLY LIKE ME ... but in love with him, forgiving of Sean, and willing to be his lil Stepford wife.
He's a lovely guy. He can't be incredibly sweet. But he's simple. And he's selfish. And I've already given him all I can. Several months of my life, round the clock, nothing but Mike's well being, it's what I lived on and in and with.
I gues he got used to it.
So I let Sean know that I don't hate him.
And I let Mike know that I just might hate him.
And I asked them to have Tim call me sometime.
So we'll see.
I'm sad tonight.
I think I'll sleep