A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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Reclaiming the Journal for what I really need to spew

7 a.m. isn't so bad. Once it's 9.

My shoulders hurt. Hauling around boxes, moving and restacking pallets. I'm sick of being a boy in girl's skin. When I'm in boy mode... the ... 'nah, I can lift this myself, thank you very much' mode... the boobs just get in the way.
Motrin 500 tonight. Because I don't want the death sleep of the vicondin/flexerall coctail that really gets rid of those gnarls of abused sinew. I'm sort of waiting for someone... sort of not... hoping for mail... but I think I might call.
So how do I just up and call mister questions?
I've done it before.
But twice in a week? That's almost a habit! and he keeps repeating that mantra... 'baby steps'
Baby steps toward 'normalcy'
But there was no normal, man. Never.
I reviled you.
You annoyed me.
I called you on a whim.
Then BOOM. Talking every night for months.
Then BOOM. "hey I have vacation time... I'll come see you..."
Then BOOM. persona non grata.

was the sex at least good? can you at least give me that gross and unatural little compliment? my biting adequate? the nails biting deep enough? Was it up to par? was it excellent?
You said you liked my nails....
that's about all I got out of you before you shut up like a telescope and refused entrance. You went and changed all the code words, man.
And I started feeling inane standing outside your door muttering nonsense syllables into the grate, hoping to hit the right combo.

But all of a sudden... you're prepared for the baby steps.

I wonder if the change was me or you.
I know that all I ever wanted was that connection you knew was there. "kindred spirits or something like that..."
But I don't think you knew that. Did I get better at telling you? Did I have to put enough distance between the offer and the tangled mess of emotion that kept trapping it? Did I have to make it soooo easy for you?

I'm not complaining.. just thinking this out. I wonder what you think. But I won't push it. I want to know what was going through your head then. And I want to hear it all, especially the parts that are going to hurt.
I'm a different creature now.
Enough death and enough guilt and enough introspection on more than enough of those 36 hour days will make you change a little.

You won't be reading this.
You make it a point not to take that much of interest... because you don't want me to know that you care.
And you've done an *excellent* job of that, mister questions.

I want to move to seattle.
I want to just go.

I have a feeling I'll be fired. If the loss control manager ever gets told... I'm sure I will..
Oh.. and I took a $500 check without manager approval and I may have broken an ABC law today (the groc. manager said to do it... but I'll take the blame...though Bob might really *like* being fired too...)
I swear I'm prepared to fuck up left and right until they HAVE to just fire me.
It's the easy way out of all tough relationships.
Just make them break up with you.

I'm hardcore feeling the L word for someone.
I really really like them.
(heh heh)
And I dunno.. that's horribly unlike me. Yes, I have a tendency to get crushes. But for me to be thinking "yeah, we should move in together, that would rock" is just so... fucking frightening. I mean... it's antithetical to my nature.
Usually, right about the time someone is making is clear that they dig me is when I'm packing up my shit and getting as distant as possible.
Just the thought of introducing someone as my 'boyfriend' gives me the shudders.
And it still does in this case...
Which is probably pathetic and wrong and so forth, but while I have no qualms about telling my mom how much I dig him, I still can't think of a word for him that doesn't make me want to run as far away as possible as quickly as possible.
I'm an odd monkey.

I miss having those aqquaintences around all the time... those people who weren't really friends.... not really strangers... they just.. were there and I knew them and we hung out.
they were all Tom's friends, really. Very few of them crossed over.
And those that did... well.. they hate me now.
Sean doesn't hate me... and I don't hate him.... you just can't hang out with someone who will literally just lose their mind and beat the shit out of you.
It just can't happen.
I know he's medicated again. I know he's level... but he's schizophrenic and has a tendency to stop taking his meds and have rages. I can't feel okay or safe around him ever again.
Mike hates me.
More or less because I wouldn't give in and be what he wanted.
And Tim is trying really hard to be the friend I need... but I know he still has his misgivings. He's stuck. He lives in the same house as Mike and Sean.. he's rather stuck in the middle.

I dunno..... why am I spewing? why why why...
I'm not pent up .. not upset.. just haven't rambled in awhile. Haven't been cracked out in ages. Really. Not in the written word anyway. I've actually tried not to write when I feel like that anymore. No one understands what I'm saying and mistake it for purposeful obtuseness. If I could be level headed all the time.. hehe... I almost said that I would be.. but that's a lie.
no fucking way.
I love the mood swings.
and you will grow to love them too.
or .. well.. you won't.
and that's okay too.

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