A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

I'm feeling very "Holly sucks" today in a lot of different ways.
I guess I'll need more coffee...
I should clean.
some portabello ravioli would be really good right about now.
I wish I could make Rhett feel okay. But, well, I suck at that. It's always obvious that I'm going out of my way to make someone feel better... and it's always ephemeral.
spinning plates on sticks only spin while you're running between them, working diligently.

I wonder how jason is. Not enough to seek him out again. I've learned my lesson there. It's just idle curiosity. I wonder if he got on unemployment, found a job. I wonder if he finally went through with all this threats and killed himself. I wonder if that person I was with for two years is okay. No matter how bad or how good it could be here and there, it was still a fucked up two years and it changed me in a lot of ways.
It made me unlearn a lot of learned trust. And it made me know, not think, but know, that I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I thought possible.
I have to wonder if there was anyway that things could have worked out well. I have to wonder if it was possible in there at some point for the right word, or a different tone to have changed something. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't havve. I'm pretty sure that I tried every route. Even out and out lying. Even total honesty.
I know I mind fucked him. But I also told him repeatedly that I would.
I wonder why no one ever heeds that warning?
Do they really think that "I will screw with your head" is a danger sign that applies to everyone else? that they are so much more with it and capable and special than all those other people who've seen the truth?

bah. Pointless questions.

the door upstairs keeps on flapping open and closed with the air pressure changes in the house from my window being just slightly open. So I hear it open and close a little here and there. And every time I expect steps. Its the middle of the day and I'm playing paranoid.
I should buy tickets today. Just take the plunge and buy them.
But ...gah... $400 ?
it's worth it of course... but just to go out and come back?

I'm sorry I haven't been nicer.

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