A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

At about 2:30... 3:00 in the morning this morning a dirt clod hit my window and scared the hell out of me.
It was Tim. Tim was drunk and sobbing. Tim had driven his car into the muddy yard and almost onto the front walk. Tim had dug a hole in the ground with his hands to get a chunk of grass to throw at the window. Tim's sister died.
She was 12.
She was his favorite thing in the world.
I got him home and cleaned him up and laid in bed with him, just listening and rocking him for about two hours. He apologized for Sean over and over. He insisted it was his fault that I was beaten. That he should have paid more attention to the medications, that he wasn't understanding enough, that the sight of all those bruises on my back was something he was never going to forget.
I finally slept.
I walked home, still in just a t shirt. Tried to replace some of the clods of dirt in the muddy yard. I came in and laid in bed. I had to call.
I was so full of courage. I was ready to blurt, have it said, let it be known.
I paged. And somehow... in the time between the dialing and the call back I had lost my fire. And I confessed but didn't say.
And then it came out.
"you know I love you, right?"
and there were tears and heavy sighs and it was a completeness and I don't know where the courage came from but it was right and good and ... I've never had those words make me happy.
until now. Because ... I already knew they were true. For both of us. And I think I had been waiting for a moment. Some perfect little moment where I could say it and mean it and have it be just like in the movies. But I don't live in a movie. And they've always got that fucked up mood music that I hate. No sunset beach. No rolling wind. No picking up and twirling and walking off hand in hand at this sudden gift of knowledge. No violin entro.
Just the dark.
My chin on my knees. Feeling small and compressed. And a whisper and all those sighs. And finally a smile.
I feel different today. I feel like .... the waiting I was doing was for the protection that would make it okay. The safety net. But I didn't need it. Because somehow.... somehow I feel like I'm shielded now. I feel like the unstoppable duo now has a crazy forcefield destructo beam coating.
I already knew. And he already knew... but there's something about words confessed in the dark that make the ephemeral solid and all your doubts just part of the scheme of things.

Someone loves me.

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