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The Downward Spiral. I feel like my life was built on this. The important parts. The parts that were me.

I remember feeling these things. I remember this... oh god... all of this...
"don't you tell me how I feel... you don't know just how I feel"
Such an angry kid spawning from my bland features.

And the machine references. This built thing I felt like I was. This machine, preprogramed, going through the motions without thought or need.
I was so in love with Trent for this album.
his others had been good. I'd loved them in their time... but this was the big one, the true love, the heartbreak, the romance, the intrigue.
And I'd listened to it every chance I got for months on end. I know every pitch and twang. Every eletronically altered tonal change coming from that sinewy throat.
His whiney scream...
"I wanna know everything. I wanna be everwhere. I wanna fuck everyone in the world. I wanna do something that matters."

I knew him to the bone.
And he knew nothing of me and that was fine. preferred. secret watcher through this produced thing.
I knew I saw deeper. Becuase it was me. and ....

I'm so utterly nostalgic now.
Why didn't I fall into the mall metal trap of my peers?
it had to be Jay
Jay and his rants about Korn and Kid Rock and just what utter loser lightweights they were. Playing Candiria and Meshuggah at me over the phone from Mass... hours every night of political manifestos and hardcore from its new nashville and Jay's annoyed, fluid, lyrical verbal stylings.
Never did a night pass that I didn't have a multipage treat in the mail box or a good 2 hour rant in my ear, interrupting each other by turns because we just had to agree louder and louder, throats sore by the end of the night....

I hear he turned into a goth.
Got a day job.
got respectable.
doesnt read as much .
watches more tv

he showed me so much about me. Gave me a confidence in my convictions.
I miss that lil fucker.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
xkisses
Oct. 26th, 2001 02:04 pm (UTC)
I've known every twitch in Reznor's music for ages. Every lyric, every inflection, every whisper, every scream.

Good to know someone else appreciates it the way I do, and remembers the feeling they got when listening to it.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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