April 14th, 2001

NewYorkNewYork

Well, that went badly

Whenever I talk to him and keep my wits, say what I need to say, am eloquent and calm and together... he's invariably otherwise occupied and not really listening.
I have to scream to get his attention. I have to force myself on him. I have to be the petulant little bitch.
So he never sees anything from me but the whiney, weepy side or the closed off, cold, entirely inaccesable side.
He likes neither.
He likes nothing.
Certainly not me.
And the worst of it is... I know that I love him. Yes. I just typed that. And it's true. I know that I love him. And he doesn't. But I KNOW. And so this is making it that much more difficult. I can't possibly let him in on this. I DO want his friendship. I DO want things to be alright. Dropping that bomb on him would be too much.
But neither do I want to be stuck in this soppy, unrequited mess.
Not a lot of alternative. He made free to tell me he'd be home around one tonight. So that'll be around two for me. And, well... I don't know if I'm prepared to scream for his attention.
He's going to have to find it in himself to listen for my quiet eloquence and maybe.. juuuust maybe I can trust him to try.


But I won't count on it, folks.

  • Current Music
    Ministry: Just one fix
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

three thirty in the afternoon, the day before easter and I've been assigned the task of making chocolate eggs. I usually do this for easter. For the past several years, anyway. But it's so messy and time consuming.
Not that I have a lot to do otherwise, it's just the principle of the thing.
Apparently I agreed to this weeks ago... but I really, honestly don't remember it.
Ah well.
I'll take some to Robert tomorrow. I don't think he realizes that it's a silly little holiday. Maybe I'll take him some jelly beans too. We're doing a whole tour of where me and Tom used to live and places we used to go. I'm going to see my old apartment. Sort of like going to a cemetary, really. It's just a place for the dead. No one has rented it since we left it.
Maybe I could move back in. The rent was only $250 a month... Of course.. there was no AC and no heat, But I could deal with that again for the sake of wood floors and brass doorknobs and that wonderful enamel, footed bathtub with the lil stopper on the chain that always reminded me of grandma's house in Pennsylvania.


We'll see.
The eggs... they call to me...

  • Current Music
    Some Crap country station my father is playing
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Go on, taste me.
Just my fingers. Go ON.
They're sweet.
verra verra sweet.
You can nibble, but don't bite.. I still need to coat everything in choclate and i'd prefer no bleeding wounds just yet.
I hands usually taste a bit like nicotine and a little like my lavendar soap.
This is a treat.
You know.. for easter. The holiday I don't care about built around a god I don't believe in.
But I bake and make confections too well to be just left the hell alone about it.


Ah well. At least I can make people taste me.
not something I can normally accomplish.

  • Current Music
    Frank Sinatra - The Very Good Years
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Go on, taste me.
Just my fingers. Go ON.
They're sweet.
verra verra sweet.
You can nibble, but don't bite.. I still need to coat everything in choclate and i'd prefer no bleeding wounds just yet.
My hands usually taste a bit like nicotine and a little like my lavendar soap.
This is a treat.
You know.. for easter. The holiday I don't care about built around a god I don't believe in.
But I bake and make confections too well to be just left the hell alone about it.


Ah well. At least I can make people taste me.
not something I can normally accomplish.

  • Current Music
    Frank Sinatra - The Very Good Years
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Men who have absolutely no interest in you otherwise will lick your hand gratefully and for quite a long time if you've got melted chocolate on it.
  • Current Music
    My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult- Devil Bunnies
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I, apparently, have the ability 'to bring out the pain in others.'
yes, that's a quote. I ask questions, I ask all the wrong ones. I don't ask questions, I'm not involved enough. I talk about what's on my mind, I'm too needy, self-centered, moody, morose, depressed. I keep it to myself, I'm cold and closed off, a bitch, a pain in the ass. I try to go out and be social and have a life, I'm ignoring people and too wrapped up in my own happiness. I stay home, I am just a hermit, a shut in, a recluse and it's going to all come crashing in on me.


I'm tired of attempting to please everyone. I can't do it. I can't please *ANYONE*.
I can't be what anyone wants me to be. I can't be what *I* want me to be because I have no damned clue what that is.


So I'm going to stop trying. It doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean that I don't want to talk, that I don't want to go out, that I don't want to be a friend, a confidant, a comfort... it's just that I've learned that I CANT BE

  • Current Music
    Groove soundtrack