May 4th, 2001


(no subject)

Where oh where do I find really damned cool bandanas?
not the kind with the western motif
and nothin for a pocket flag either.
All I have a scarves.
And they're too thin... won't stay put on my head.

I need to start practicing this look.

Maybe I'll shave my head.

I'm morose. and hurt and bitter and scalded and ashamed and curled up in rage at myself and ready to rip and hurl and burn.
just fucking burn.
I am conflagarations.
I am censures.
I am ashes.
heh, wouldn't you know, it all comes back to the ashes.
I should eat them.
Eat the ashes.
So tom can die twice
I don't give a gaddam about the ashes.

I'm utterly pissed that this got left on me.
I'm utterly pissed that I can't talk about this without it all coming out wrong.
I'm utterly pissed that I feel the need to defend myself and the people involved.
I'm utterly pissed. PISSED AS HELL at death.

I'm just trying too much.. reaching too far.
trying soooo hard to be coherent and good for people.
trying soooooo hard.
too hard.
I can't do it.
I'm a loon.
I know this.
a few other people know this too
Those few people have me worried.
all two of them.
they've got me worried for completely different reasons and I'm just... nuts until I hear from them.. until I know it's all unfounded and pointless fear.
and I know that this is still not what is making me ill.
and I am ill.
in so many ways.
I hate admitting that.
but if you take the textbook definition of 'ill' .. Illness... an unhealthy condition of body or mind...
well, that's me in a nutshell, isn't it?
My body is just... failing me.
And my mind well, it's failing me just by being me, isn't it?

I'm just so angry because I'm so tired of being told that I am SO WRONG when I know right gaddamned well that I'm not.
Fuck fuck fuck
  • Current Mood
    enraged enraged

(no subject)

"I'd like to close my eyes, go numb/but there's a cold wind coming from/ the top of the highest high rise today/it's not a breeze cuz it blows hard/and it wants me to discard/the humanity I know/watch the warmth blow away/Do you think I should adhere/ to that pressing new frontier/ and leave in my wake a trail of fear?/Or should I hold my head up high/ and throw a wrench is spokes by/leaving the air behind me clear? /so don't let the world bring you down/not everyone here is that fucked up and cold/remember why you came and while you're alive/experience the warmth before you grow old."

nice words.
I dunno if I mean that sarcastically or not

Porn names

Well, depending on what nickname or real name I use, I get some interesting crap:

Jenna Cumalot
Sindy Sinn
Kitty Nekkid
Cindy Peachybutt
Niki Spankalot

And my gangsta names?
(these gangsta names kinda suck, by the way.. the generator, I mean)
Friend Green Dick
SLippin Weasel Boy
Butt-jugglin Train Jumpa
John Cougar Mule Robba.

sharin it

Okay .. this if from a mailing list I'm on and know a hell of a lot of people from.
One of these people kinda sucks,
the other rather rocks and does so consistently (he's also not human, I believe)

:'re not absolutely and completely FUCKED until you're lying face-down and
: handcuffed in the hallway with an 80-pound Alsation grinning like googledy-fuck
: at the back of your Schedule 1 head.

Not quite as fucked as when you're dressed in a Snoopy mask, chained to a
radiator, staring through your drugged stupor at a pile of your own entrails
lying in the middle of the floor, while gibbering monkeys fingerpaint the
walls with your blood.

But, yeah, the drug bust scenario is bad, too.


yeshyesh... Mark rocks.

Ever have one of those days where you find yourself masturbating like a monkey for no particular reason?
I haven't had sex since march and I haven't been good and kissed since then either. And well, it was incredible sex. The best thus far. He was an incredible lover.... too bad he was an emotional retard.
So now, the afterglow long gone, the ability of the memories to make my skin tingle fading, I'm getting the urge to just go out and get laid.
I've done the one night stand thing twice, ever, and both times the men ended up being sexually inept.
One of them even proclaimed with pride "I beat you!"
So I don't know if I want to go out and try my hand at that again.

I think I'll just keep on trying my own hand.
My own hand is *excellent*
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd - Young Lust

(no subject)

watching the news.....
A nine year old was killed by a HORSE... he was playing in the backyard, the neighbor's hourse jumped the barbedwire , bit the kid on the neck and arm and ripped off one of his arms... the child died on the way to the hosptial. The step father of the child shot and killed the horse.

In detroit a junior high girl was told that a teacher needed to see her, and was escorted upstairs by a student. There, in a bathroom, two girls held her down while one boy raped her and two others watched.

and in new york a teacher who, three years ago, was arrested for child molestation, was just charged again at his new school.
He has hiv.

And people in my city are *fllipping out* because a 25 year old junior high teacher has been accused of smokin weed with a 13 year old student and on occasion letting the kids bum cigs off her.

I just dunno what to say at all about any of this.
shocked stunned and amazed, yo.