May 10th, 2001


Ya ever...

Just want to take a picture of your belly button?
I've had 3 cups of coffee and so far it's not helping.
I'm idling in IRC waiting for someone to pay attention to the fact that I'm there.
I'm thinking about Dan and his strangeness and ... why why why he isn't giving up on me yet.
He pulled some crap on me when he first met me. He got all arrogant about his levels of perception, He assumed he knew *all* about me. That he could discern the inner me, read my head, know my heart.... anyone who really knows me KNOWS that is just doesn't work like that. I am not cut and dried. I'm freaking weird compared to most people. A lot of people seem to understand this and just give up. Which is probably the smart move on their part.
But Dan started off on the wrong foot with me.... He's a smart guy. He knows this. So he tried to flaunt it. He got shut down. He got shut down hard and fast because ego pisses me off. But he was persistent. After a couple weeks of a few verbal battles, he came over to watch Brazil with me. During the course of watching the movie he tried to start up some shit. I told him no. He tried again. I told him no. He tried the third time, I walked him to the door and told him not to call me, not to see me, to fuck right the hell off.
He begged. He pleaded. He offered full chaperoned meetings in well lit areas.
Then I got into that lil fight.
And he was the one who dragged me off, talked me down, soothed the savage beast.
He was the one who got what I was saying, understood why I flipped and trounced that chick, knew what to say and how to say it to make me chill.

I dunno... after that... things were just different.
And he's been leaving me odd gifts that he knows I appreciate. And he's very.... careful ... about touching me. he knows it has to be invited from him now because of his previous fuck up.
But yeah. I don't encourage him. Don't treat him like anything but a casual friend, and there he is... being as sweet as he can to me. Which *should* melt me, shouldn't it?
It's just make me goo in his hands... he should get me, no problem.
But it just doesn't.
At the moment, I'm still too broken. I don't want all that complication. And I don't have that big thumpin heart feel for him. It's just not there. Of course, the last time I had that I got crushed.. so maybe I shouldn't be waiting for it.
I dunno. I'm just babbling here. That's all I ever really do, ya know.
Hmmm.. Mr. CrackSnorter is still ill apparently. Someone get that boy some peppermint for the immediate tummy and then some nice jewish pennicilin.

I was on the phone for way longer than anyone actually should be on the phone with anyone with Mistah Lovah Lovah yesterday evening through last night.
The word "rock" does not cover it.
That was the most enjoyable conversation I have had in ages and really, man... I could probably at this juncture have 8 or 9 more just like that with him and still not run out of things to say. Do you have any idea how GADDAMNED cool that is?
No you don't.

okay.. still weird... more coffee.. tortilla chips are yummy

Does anyone remember...

Thinking too much.
brain overflow.
I just told Chuck "Kushma Lavin" (very very phonetic).
That was good because in about 10 minutes he'll be sending me an offlist mail asking what the hell that means. And I will be evasive as all fuck. And he will get annoyed.

I've been thinking about this discontent. And it's all on my shoulders. I'm the impetus, I'm the spark, and I'm the push. And no one should be blaming anyone but me. But of course, even if that happens, damage done. I fucked up somehow just being me and that's a hard bit of shit to realize.
Just want some bandaids big enough to stop the wounds from seeping on one side and the venom from flowing on the other.
They don't even have to have cartoon characters on them or be medicated.
Torniquet, por favor, mah bruthas.
adore you both.
so cut your shit and find words that mean more than your hate or bafflement.

My mouth hurts.
Probably from where I keep biting my tongue.
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd - Vera

Hey you....

Hey you...
Out there in the cold, getting lonely getting old.
Can you feel me?
Hey you...
standing in the aisles with itchy feet and fading smiles
can you feel me?
Hey you...
Don't help them to bury the light
Don't give in without a fight.
Hey you...
Out there on your own sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you ...
With your ear against the wall waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you...
Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart
I'm coming home.

it was only a fantasy
the wall was too high as you can see
no matter how he tried, he could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you...
out there on the road always doing what you're told
can you help me?
Hey you ...
Out there beyond the wall breaking bottles in the hall
Can you help me?
Hey you...
Don't tell me there's no hope at all.
Together we stand
divided we fall.
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd - Is There Anybody Out There?