June 3rd, 2001


(no subject)

So.... bored....
horrible when all the people I know all of a sudden develop a life.

I could be out having a life.
I declined on the grounds that it would MEAN SOMETHING to the person I would be hanging with
Can't go around having things MEAN SOMETHING. So I'm bored now. Not horribly so, but to the point I'm thinking of just going to sleep. I don't really have anything to stay awake for. I don't have the push to write. I've gotten out a lot of my agression. Even had a conversation with Mr. Questions without feeling like I had to be strong, cold and aloof (and feeling like I was failing). I sent him a picture, for chrissakes.
One of the things I've realized about him is that, no matter how wonderful he can be, no matter how god awfully attractive I find him, he's still a dork in a lot of ways.
And he's rather incapable of understanding ... well.. hehe... me.
He doesn't. He won't. He can't.
I really wish he could. But he just can't. :::shrug::: It makes me sad, but sadness won't change it. Unfortunately he's always been perceptive about my moods. So he knew I've been feeling pretty shit. GAH.
Don't want to talk about him .
I need a big big eraser.
I don't think I regret enough. Might make for a more humble person. And the things I regret are usually those things that I had no real control over in the first place. But it's broken me, you know? I can't feel in the same ways as a lot of other people. I just ... can't accept and in a lot of ways, can't give. It hurts too much.
Unfortunately I had a lil drink tonight. That always makes me too introspective and instantly morose if I am not in a social thing. If I'm on the phone with someone I dig, it's fine, if I'm out somehwere with people I dig, it's fine. But at the house with no one to really talk to ... gah... instant deep black depression.
I know this.
I always forget until it's too late.
The thought of just drifting off to sleep is a nice one, just ... alien to me.
It's been a very long time since I just got into bed and slept without the benefit of drugs or that special exhaustion only insomniacs really get to know. I could probably do it tonight. I haven't been to sleep before 6 am any day this week.
And the latest I've slept is one o'clock.
I'm not really complaining.... I just know that this will end. It always does. I'll burn out, he'll burn out. ::shrug:: it's inevitable.
That intrigue he mentioned... me... heheh.. gah.. can't even wrap my brain around that thought... MY intrigue. He couldn't explain it, but I could tell he meant it... and that will go away too.
can't stop the unstopable.
complacency and apathy.
Those are my buttons. Probably the worst things you could ever do to me.
Get used to me, or just... not give a damn. Mr. Questions doesn't give a damn. And the other is just gonna get used to me.
And I just want to give up, go away, go hide. What's the point, ya know?
I KNOW that this is the alcohol. I didn't drink a lot. Just a couple. But that's enough and this is why I don't drink a lot. Give me weed. I get the mellow without the morose. Give me percoset, codeine, ultram, vicodin, valium....
I prefer the speedies, of course. Aderol and meth and mdma and ephededrine.
Caffeine and nicotine. always there. It's all about the substances, you know?
Most people who claim not to take drugs are lying lying lying... oh just my coffee, just my cigs.. and then freak on me when I mention mini thins or inhalers.
your speed or my speed, they're all stimulants, you know.

Today I was hugged like a daughter by a man who is not my father. And I was screamed at like a cheating spouse by a man who is not my husband. And I was made to smile despite myself, like someone in love, by a man who does not love me.

And now I think I deserve to sleep like someone who's at peace...
It'll just be another lie, you know


Goddess quiz

You scored 33.3% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

You scored 16.7% Demeter
If you fit the Demeter archetype, you are a nurturer and caretaker. You have a generous heart and enjoy extending your love to others. You are motivated by the most powerful of instincts -- to give life -- and selflessly devote yourself to the life you create. You feel compelled to care for all those around you, even if they are not your own children. In short, you feel the need to be all things to all people and, therefore, your own needs sometimes go unmet. You must learn to say no, and apply Artemis's sense of boundaries and Aphrodite's ability to put herself first. That way, you can give to others from an overflowing rather than a half-full cup.

You scored 16.7% Artemis
If you are ruled by Artemis, your independent spirit belongs to no one but yourself. Your body is vibrant, your attitude robust and your manner vigorous and alive. You are driven by physical rather than mental energy. You feel complete without a man in your life and would never compromise your essential nature for a romantic partner. You are skilled at establishing personal boundaries and enter into relationships on your own terms -- in short, you can take care of yourself. This attitude may at times put men off.

You scored 16.7% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

You scored 8.3% Hera
You scored 8.3% Aphrodite
You scored 0% Hestia

I know stuff...

I know there's a letter for me in the mail that just hasn't gotten here yet.
I know that when I hang up the phone when I'm already half asleep that I will wake up an hour later and mount a desperate search for the phone that I just KNOW someone is still on.
I know that when I take the time to grind the coffee just before I put it in the pot, it is so much better.
I know that I shouldn't make so much noise when I have phone sex in the wee hours when I KNOW my sister isn't that light of a sleeper.
I know that my father is some kind of special clueless about the red shorts, blue shirt, no socks and boots combo and why everyone giggles at him when he goes into a store.
I know that I was really wishing the person I ranted off about yesterday would have gotten in contact with me and had the fight in real time. But I guess they really are that dense or ... just don't care.
I know that I'm suprised that it bugs me that they aren't going to be fighting with me about it.
I know that I'm going to have at LEAST 3 more cups of coffee.
I know that if I don't get a cigarette soon I'll be hurtin.
I know that I'm kind of in love with a city I haven't seen yet... maybe i'll watch singles just to get some pictures in my head.. hehehe..
I know that it's probably good that so and so isn't online right now. I'd end up all wrapped up in talking to him and the breaks are good.
I know that this post is probably getting horribly boring for anyone reading it.
I know that I don't really want to be a receptionist...
I know that I'm glad I finally got up the balls to tell someone in my family about my moving plans.
I know .........stuff.

And I'll start keeping it to myself.

(no subject)

Just had an hour long "discussion" with my father when he felt the need to butt in to me and my sister discussion religion and then racism and discrimination in general.
My father is of the "This is the way I was raised" school of bigotry.
And he was arguing hard and fast for the presence and prevailence of 'reverse racism'- A MYTH invented by white men who didn't like affirmative action.
Just trying to get him to understand that there is no such thing...
only because to say that racism that is black on white is REVERSE racism is saying that racism is an inherently white phenomenon. That racism is, by design, a white crime. ANd that anything that is the inverse of that is just reverse racism.
Racism is racism. It doesn't MATTER who's spewing it, thinking it or feeling it.
His argument is "historically it's been white against black. So if it's the other way around, that's reverse racism"
He also seems to think that there has to be opression. That only a majority can be racist. That if you're in the minority of the racial makeup of any particular area, then you aren't racist.

His favorite excuse, though, for his own racist views is that "this is how I was raised"

If you ever hear that phrase coming out of your mouth in regard to ... well... just about ANYTHING... stop. Think about it. Did you accept *everything* you were taught as a child? Did you just accept everything you were told? Or did there come a point where you started to pick and choose?

If my views were made out of what I was taught growing up and how I was raised, I would be a racist, bigotted, violent, stubborn person who beat the crap out of anyone I felt like beating the crap out of and I would run a high risk of having a family and children that I belittled, beat, scared, and molested.

I can tell you without a doubt that that just isn't going to happen. Why? Because *I* chose what to believe and what not. I made up my own mind. And you know what? EVERYONE does.
There were things about my formative years... lessons there that I chose to keep. A work ethic. That's one of them. Hard work matters. Honesty. That's one of them too (but I learned that by seeing lies all the time and being forced to live in them).
But more or less, the things I was presented with from my father are things I discarded. There were things presented by my mother that I discarded too.

But I had this argument.
And I shook and had to try sooo hard to keep that.... waver out of my voice. Because while he doesn't scare me anymore, neither does he make me think that he won't explode when I contradict him.
And really the only reason I was able to make an argument was because my sister was here.
She was *always* the strong one. ALWAYS the one who stood up and said no.
But when I was a kid, I hated her for that. Because when she refused to cry, I got beat instead. If he couldn't get at her, he'd get at me. And we both knew what he was doing. I used to feel guilty for it. I used to feel bad when I couldn't hold back tears or couldn't just act like I wasn't scared or hurt.Because I knew that it hurt Wendy.
And then somewhere the perception shifted, and I became resentful of her. I was just angry at her for being the strong one and NOT giving in and NOT crying because her strength meant the rest of us suffered more.

But now, I'm just glad for it.
Because she's still the one who's unafraid to speak.
And I'm getting there.
And it's mostly by example.

Just the whole argument and how he is and presents himself. His raging pseudo intellectuality and the way that he just has to be right and won't listen to what I say...

I have A LOT to say.
I have a lot of very well thought out and intelligent things rolling around in my head.
Despite him, I've made up my own mind, and I've made my mind something incredible. It has always pissed me off that I was so scared to show him that. And that, when I got the courage, I was told that it was something to be sorry for, ashamed of, because I was *obviously* just using polysyllabic words left and right because I thought it made me sound more intelligent.

I can't win
I never will.
What would a victory over him mean anyway?

But I'm still shaking.

(no subject)

I need someone to come over and lean in and very slowly smell my neck.
I smell like lavendar
and it's gorgeous.
and I just want someone to show up and smell my neck, bury their face in my hair...
  • Current Mood


azmatiq: You doin' ok, Boo?
Me: yeah I'm fine.
Me: feelin odd.
Me: there's stuff in my head that needs to come out
azmatiq: *nod* Its like pooping. Sometimes the more you tryin' push it the more it just refuses to go. :)