June 8th, 2001


From CDFMML "Votive Wreath"

"Writing is the realm of instinct, as opposed to the realm of
intuition. There is real laughter in writing, but not real hope,
as hope is intuited.

Writing is the surface of the earth; it is happy sin; it is the
world that exists prior to the occurance of the idea of
purgation, prior to the anticipation of the comprehension of

It is automatism. The will, here, is not real will, but Egoism
and Illogic."
  • Current Music
    De La Soul - My Brother's A Basehead

sadness, ya know

When I tried to talk to you about 'your brother' it was because I knew you would have problems with me even getting to know him. Why I knew that, I don't know. But I did.
When I took the time to write you a letter, not just a fucking email, but a letter, hoping you might actually read it, pay attention to it, listen to what I had to say about your 'dawg' and see just how fucking incredible this person was that you were just flat out ignoring it was because I did not want this to happen.
When I told you that day that you needed to pay attention to him. to give him what he deserved. to actually SHOW all the things you always just bluster it was because I knew how close he was to just giving up on you. All the frustration he had over how shit you had treated him for so long. Smoke his weed, accept his cash, throw away the things that he put his neck on the line for, take take take, but never being bothered to even TALK to him unless you had something you needed to say and no one else to say it to. And then as soon as you were done talking, the conversation was done. period. Taking him for granted was the worst thing you could have done. Because he's probably the only person you know who has the capacity to be a real friend.
I only talked to you to warn you. I only talked to you hoping you would actually SEE WHAT I WAS SAYING.
VERTIlGO: so you just .. yeah .. do whatcha want.
I wish you'd pay attention to him though. He really needs you to talk to sometimes. And he... gah.. don't let him know I told you this... but he's feeling pretty abandonded
VERTIlGO: I talk to him about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I know a lot about him.
and I know that he's very dissapointed with the way things have been between you two.
Give him some well deserved attention, Wes.
VERTIlGO: I don't really give a shit about how you act toward me. I DO care about how you act toward him, ya know?
You can just never talk to me again if you want to... just yeah ... worried about Chad, is all

Did you listen to any of that?
Did you see *any* of what I was saying?
No, obviously you didn't. That was my warning. And because you were so unwilling to believe that maybe, just maybe someone might know something that you didn't about someone you were convinced you had wrapped around your finger, you blew it. YOU fucked this up. YOU dropped the ball. YOU lost him.

I've been worried about my own opinions of you (not glowing at all, I can assure you) may have been influencing him. That it maybe WAS just that whole... Oh, yeah, he digs me so he's going to conform his brain to what I think.... thing.
But it's not that. It's not that at all.
If you had done one very simple thing...
If you had just been his friend...

I tried, Wes. I really did try to get you to see what was happening. Because this is just shit. The fact this is got to this point. The fact that you have NO CLUE why it's like this now.

And you know, sending me your 'essay' for me to give you an honest opinion on... that was a kick in the teeth. A blatant kick in the teeth. Your whole section on connections being made outside of face to face social situations. How it's evidence of a stunted and deformed relationship.. you knew what you were talking about. I know what you were talking about. For you to send that to me...that only warranted booting you.

I'm not sending this to you.
Because you'll just delete it.
Here, well... here you can't delete it.
I doubt it will make a dent anyway... but I can hope. I'm a hopeful person.
If nothing else good comes out of this, maybe you will realize that when you invent a life for yourself out of pure bullshit that keeping up with all of your stories gets to be difficult. I could point out all the inconsistencies. But what's the point? You know what you've lied about. Blatant and outlandish lies. For really no purpose. Because you'd be a gaddamned worthy and interesting person WITHOUT all the spice of fake.
But because you feel the need to pepper your life with bullshit, you diminish yourself. You make yourself small. You do it to yourself.

I don't understand this recent thing.
"have fun with the psycho... I warned you..."
Yeah, he told me.
Just like I told him about all the things I said to you. I was actually *hoping* that you would turn around and tell him everything I said. Because that way, I might have some reassurance that you actually were the friend you claimed to be. But you didn't. Because you aren't.
That just makes me so fucking sad.
And angry.
How the HELL could you have treated him like this?
6 years of bullshit, Wes.
*6* years.
::shakes her head:::

If you were even an ounce of the perceptive creature you think you are, you would have figured out, that he was not one to throw away.
but that's exactly what you've done through your own actions.

Nice ironic statement for you. Of course it was in a conversation about you... you don't have any other kind...

wtng4thenight: I have no time for illusional relationships

Apparently, neither does your 'dawg'
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

Thank you for...

some of the times we talked in irc...
when we babbled and got hyper.
When I was laughing... full on silly and good.
I needed that.
And you provided and I'm grateful.

Yes, you DO aggravate me a lot. But that's only because you're such a stubborn chick.
You don't seem to really... I dunno.... see what I say. Or if you do, you really do seem to dismiss it out of hand.
But that's all right.
Because, well, it keeps me humble, I guess.
But thanks. For as many times as you think I've "just run away" from you, there have been just as many that I've purposefully hung around.


Me: it's bad when ya get to be such a stoner that you even slack off on smokin up
Odaeyss: man... my friend Micah made this bong out of a gallon juice jug... that had a plastic handle on top... he bent a hanger so it'd hang above his bed (he had his beds bunked)
Odaeyss: it'd just hang there out of the way when we were hanging out, or if he felt lazy.. he could smoke while laying in bed, and not even have to move the bong around. that is lazy.

(no subject)

There is mail
There are comments.
There's a face if I believe me eyes
the last passion hearted eater was a fake.

wry lil smirking for you though.
whoever you are.

(no subject)

alright kiddies.
the anonymous people.
you are going to have to make some sort of CONSISTENT sign of who you are.
just gotta.
because if not, I'll get pissy with all of you and NO ONE will comment.
  • Current Music
    De La Soul - Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa