June 16th, 2001

NewYorkNewYork

GRRR

Allison is kicking the ass of the coast. I'm glad it was dissipated to this point when it hit else or we would have been in the shit.
Water water everywhere...
and not a drop to drink.
So I'll just have this coffee instead, yo.


My head hurts.
I need drugs.
My back hurts.
I need drugs and a backrub.
I just realized that this shit is in 24 hour time when you post from the site. Dammit I hate 24 hour time. I'd rather just use standard and convert the shit out of the timezones as need be. You have to convert time zones *anyway* so that's the point really? Is it that hard to add an "a.m." or "p.m." to stuff?
Grrr.
I'm posting from the site because I can't get the client to connect.
And I'm going without mail because disinfo is fucking with their servers AGAIN. Forbidden
You don't have permission to access / on this server.
It's every other day if not *more* often.
It's getting very aggravating.
I've heard insanity is more stable. Any other suggestions?
grrrr
speaking of Gir...
Is it wrong that I know .. I just KNOW that when they gear up the merchandising for that show that I will be first in line for a lil gir doll?
As long as it has its lil tongue hanging out. And preferably with the spikey triangle eyes.
And maybe one that giggles.
I ... I like gir too much.
This is bad.
One episode and I'm hooked.
DAMN YOU JHONEN! DAMN YOUUUUUU.

::ahem::


Yes well.
More coffee and more for meeester journal later.
Yes. my journal is a dude.
did you expect something else?
scoria
my friend.
::nods::
known me longer than AAAAAANY of you. Yep. Even you Rhett.
::nods::
I uh .. yeah . I go now.
(hope that link works.
  • Current Music
    Crap that's on TV . THE TV IS WAY TOO DAMNED LOUD AGAIN
NewYorkNewYork

Coffee breath

It's good to know exactly who you are without having to over analyze it.
Because it means when people develop bullshit opinions about you
you can point it out for just what it is.
I don't dig the whole game thing. Unless it's a playable game and both the players know what's up.
I'm actually kind of sorry... I can guess that Wes didn't read the letter I wrote him. I didn't really think he would. But dialogue would have been nice.
Nothing is ever irrepairably broken.
Usually, the more sure I am of my opnion of someone, the less I can count on it. Most poeple are like that too.
Be careful who you categorize and write off. You may be labelling wrong. ::shrug:: it happens. But I just... I don't trust myself that much. I double and triple check. I change my mind *a lot*. I like that about me.
I'm trying to build a friendship with someone I fucked over once upon a time just through my need to be 'nice'
Honesty is so much more important than being nice.
Oh yeah. and there's this person here who thinks I'm stupid, who thinks I get involved in things that have nothing to do with me and that I should just keep my shit to myself.
That's fine, ya know.
::nods::: it's alright that she feels that way. It's alright that she feels defensive when I say stuff in her friend's journal. It's alright that she defended herself when I called her rude. In fact, dammit, I PREFER that.
But extrapolating the lil bits and pieces of me that are generally visible into a picture of a person is pretty lame.
I could read her comments to the friend and assume that she kisses a lot of ass to get in good. That her 'jokes' are just flirts and that really, that's all she's about. Attainment, posession...
But I don't. Because I've also taken a peek at her actual journal and seen that she's got a lot more going on. I have to see from all the things that I *can't* see that there's this vast life beneath the surface of the type face. I have to assume that the iceberg has a base.
::shrug:::
but again, that's just me.
Just wish I could agree to mutual terms with people. It's not really my goal to breed hate and discontent. I just get annoyed at people when I think they're treating people I care about with less than the best of what they have to give.
Just need to realize that people relate in different ways and, necessarily, there are levels to friendship and aquaintenceship.
Sometimes the friends you have aren't for your benefit, but theirs.
I already know this.
And sometimes, the 'friends' you have aren't for either of your benefits but because it's just simpler to leave it be.
I dunno, I'm rambling.


I'm not gonna respond to the poo anymore.
Because it's devolved from what was actually being talked about into a personal attack.
Which is pretty fucking funny considering the person attacking couldn't know less about the person she's attacking.
Hehe.. it's like she's been waiting for a week for a reason to yell about the things that got to her about me last week. And ya know... it also seems to be more about how she thinks I interact with her friend than it has to do with what I said.
Protectiveness.
"MINE MINE MINE!" heheh
::shakes her head::
Okay, enough about this.
Because this is all I'm gonna say about it.
Sorry I pissed ya off so much, Amiee. Had I known it was going to get you so twisted, I would have just shut up. And had I known you were just waiting for a reason to spew at me, I would have already given you that opportunity.
Pop the zit!
heh.
poo.


Torrential flood down the driveway
Imma go lay down in it.
  • Current Music
    the hbo start in to a movie music... just in my head...
NewYorkNewYork

Mister Questions

I give my heart to the wrong people.
I know this.
I've always known this.
But how the fuck could I have been *so* wrong?
Because I wanted it.
Because I deluded myself into seeing things in him that weren't there?
No.
It was there.
He knew me.
he was it
But then.... things changed.
He wanted my figment. He wanted the pretty little picture in his head.
Distant.
he wanted the strain he felt in his fingertips when he tried to reach for me.
he wanted the need.
When I was there, touchable.
When I was there, giving.
When I was there, fulfilling..
he didn't want me anymore.


I'd gone and started loving him... but he didn't want me anymore.


He sent me a link today. To an article. About the man who murdered the girl he was in love with two years ago.
Jamie.
The man who kidnapped, raped, and murdered her, dumping her naked by the side of the road was sentenced to death.
I feel for him.
I feel for him in a way he will never feel for me.
Because there's a big part of his heart that's dead.
It's not just sleeping, it won't be awakened by the right touch. He can be passionate.. but only about the things that are external. Only about the things that are worldly.
He can't even talk about how he feels. Not even with someone he's completely comfortable with. I know because I was that person for awhile. he told me things he'd never talked about before.
But I should have known something was up...
because I never opened up that much to him. I always kept something reserved. Even in the early part when we really were just friends... I must have known he would hurt me.
I used to be jealous of the girl he still occasionally slept with. Tiffany. I used to be so utterly jealous of her. But now... gaddamned I feel so sorry for her. She was the one after Jamie. She got to feel it full force.
He's taken enough drugs and had enough lovers in between then and when he found me to be able to find comfort in something other than her. And I know how strange and hard and broken he was still.
I feel sorry for Tiffany. So sorry.
I wonder if he learned anything from me. I wonder if he sometimes just smiles. Or misses my insights, my voice. I was an incredible friend. I was excellent.
That's all I really wanted from him. An incredible friend.
But now he can't even pretend to be comforting. Not even when I really need it.
He spews motivational pabluum and moves on.


I didn't need a fairy tale lover who lived X amount of states away and who couldn't really pay me enough attention for my needs. What I did need... what I do need... is the friend he promised me with all our conversation. The person he hinted at being when he made his 3 am confessions about his life, his fears. The person who could make life while he pissed me off. Astonish me with his intelligence and the exact some moment he was astonishing me with his innocence.

I miss the person I met when he didn't even realize he was introducing me to him.
Even more than I normally would because I know that I will never ever get him back.
  • Current Music
    Soul Coughing - Circles