July 2nd, 2001

NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

So I'm feeling better now.
Still not ready to run through daisy fields, hand in hand with hitler, singing a happy song about beer and veggie brats.
But I *do* feel better.
When I get into these moods. It gets really damned hard to bite my tongue. So the first thing I think comes spewing on out. And nine times out of ten it is very less than nice.
I spend the vast majority of my face to face time specifically avoiding saying what I really want to say.
Sad sad sad way to live.
But no one really wants to know what it is i'm thinking.
I mean .. hehe.. no one really wants to know what ANYONE is thinking.
Not really.


Robert... who had sort of become the father figure (a father figure who doesn't beat the crap out of you.. whodathunkit?) has gone off the deep end with it.
He brought me pamphlets today about drug use.


I think Tim is trying to hook up with me again.
I haven't talked to Dan in awhile.... kind of miss him. Maybe he's teaching me a lesson. Or maybe he's just busy.
Mister Questions hasn't written in awhile either... but that could very well just be because he hasn't been bored enough.
I *know* I'm his last resort. I'm too freakin difficult to be anything else.
I still don't like people in general. But I'm getting better at picking out the ones who won't make me puke.


I think I'm okay.
That means nothing to any of you .. cept maybe one of you ... because you don't really know what was wrong.
But I think I'm okay now.


for a little while anyway...
hehe
I'm sure something will change my mind a week from now.


By the way... did you know that minimum wage is $5.50 an hour?
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Goetze caramel cremes.
This things...
JAYSUS these things are good.


I don't go on candy binges very often.. but jeeeeeeeeeeeeeze I could just eat a pound of these things.
And necco wafers.
I'm the only person I know who digs them... but they're wuuuuuuuuuunderful.
::nods::
I'm gushing about candy.
jeeze
NewYorkNewYork

heavy handed bar tenders are my friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiends

I would like to be able to say that most of the people I've known who've talked about suicide and SI have been bluffing for help and attention.
The fact is, most of them were dead serious.
Most of them, however, only imparted their message after the fact.
Most of them never jumped up and down and begged for attention before hand.
I sort of wish they had.
They just took it and took it and took it.
They seemed sooooo strong.
Because they had to.
THey had to be strong. They had no options.


And ya know... if you really are on that edge. I would hope you *would* jump up and down and beg for attention.
But so many people aren't.
And so many people do it to push buttons.
And they have NO RIGHT to push those buttons.


But then again... some people need need need at all costs.
They have to have what they need. Damn what it takes. Damn who is left chewed up. Damn the carnage.
That bothers me.
I've had more than one person play suicidal on me.
And I've had more than just a few actually do it.
So when I know someone is playing at it. It just pisses me off. It's an effective call for help. Blatant as all hell. SO in that way.. it's good.
But it's also so fucking dirty.


I dunno.
I know too many people who are going through too much shit.
And right at this very moment it's not touching me.
So I can sit back and say what I will and won't do.
And all of that will turn into bullshit intellectualism when it comes right down to it.




how about ...
all of you just come over.
BYOB...
someone provide some green... okay .. a LOT of green...
and we'll just get drunk and high and stupid and fall into a cuddle puddle and it'll all be okay for a couple hours at least.


is that such a bad damned thing to want?
click off the brain
flick on the lighter.
::nods:::
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