September 19th, 2001

NewYorkNewYork

A response.

"Dear Holly;


Okay, you don't like me. That's cool. It's hardly a crime... I'd wager that there are more people who dislike me than like me. However, there is no need to attempt to pick me apart on a public forum repeatedly. These are not the actions of someone who simply doesn't like me... they are the actions of someone who is angry at me. I'm still not sure what THAT'S all about, to tell you the truth... all I know is that I posted some thing on my livejournal, and you got all crazy-pissed and started making off-the-wall assumptions about me that you wouldn't let me talk about from my end. You spewed hatred about me on a public website... I didn't read it, but there was a rather impressive response from some readers after I linked to it.


I don't have a problem with you. I've told you that a thousand times or more. I just want to be left alone. So if you do in fact want to have no more contact with me, to not see me or interact with me, then leave me alone. I have done my best to do you that favor, and now it's your turn.


You bring up my name in places where it doesn't need to happen, as if you use every other message as an excuse to bait me. Why? I'm doing my best, Holly... I bite my tongue and swallow my anger as best I can. I have not e-mailed you or spoken to you since you told me "Don't talk to me", and yet you persist in this. If I really am the pathetic, "incredibly dense" person that you are so convinced that I am, then you shouldn't waste your time with this... the great and mighty Holly would obviously have bigger fish to fry. So fuck off, and leave me alone. I've left you alone, now it's your turn. I never thought you were this petty.


Best Wishes,

Allie.


There. I just had to get that out of the way. I didn't e-mail it to her, and I never will. She asked me to not talk to her, so there it is. But I had to speak my peace somewhere, and while this isn't exactly a safe place, what with it being public and all, it's MY place."




Dear Allie,

I made a comment on goats fans mailing list. That is hardly a 'public forum'.
Yes, it is accessible for anyone, as the archives are public, but it's not as if I advertised it or that more than a very tiny handful of people actually read it. I was actually making a joke. I'm sorry that your response was "fuck off." I had hoped you could volley that one back at me. I'm sorry that I was wrong.

I thought you realized that when I said "don't talk to me" I meant "don't talk to me *right now*" I guess I wasn't clear enough. I never meant that you should dissapear. I meant that at that moment, I couldn't deal with talking to you. That I didn't want explanations, that I was angry, that I was not in the state of mind to have a level headed conversation.

We have massively different views about people and life. A lot of these views are horribly incompatible, mainly because they are so strong and hardwon. We came by them honestly. These aren't just bullshit things we came up with one night, they are things we gleaned from our lives. Is it because our lives are so very different that we are incapable of being civil? I don't know.

I still find it odd that you could link to that particular entry, as it was a blocked entry, only viewable by a few people. I suppose that that's an LJ bug. I reported it as such, I hope that private entries are no longer generally viewable just by reading backward links on hit counters. I was pissed off. You were basically telling me that a dear dear friend of mine was a shit head and that he attacked you even after he copied over verbatim the entire conversation he had with you. Yes, that pissed me off.

You keep bringing up that this happened in public... would you prefer that I HIDE all these impressions and feelings? Would you prefer that I lie to your face?

I allowed you ample room to talk about things from your end. And I talked about things from mine. All that happened. The problem came in when we just didn't agree and I guess neither one of us can deal with not being agreed with.

I picked on you (very very very very mildly by the way) on the list because I thought you might pick back. Had I thought that this was somehow painful or an undealable thing for you, I wouldn't have.

So, I'm sorry that my comments were so offensive. They weren't meant to be.
And if you really can't deal with my occasional comment, YOU can fuck off.
You use that phrase far too much, and I haven't gone off on you without cause in a long time and I don't deserve it. The Great and Mighty Allie should carry on with her Great and Mighty life and not let the pettiness of some east coast bitch interfere with her conquering her own world.

Ta,

Holly
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Date of Birth: November 25 � December 23
Animal: Raven
Gaelic Name: Bran (Approximate pronunciation: Bran.)
Ruling Planet: Saturn
Gift Quality or Ability: Raven people have a constructive approach to life.
They will continue a struggle that would defeat most people. They are very
self-disciplined and patient. Shape shifting, sensitivity to the other
world, connection to the faerie.

Located here
Stolen from kaeren
NewYorkNewYork

From the Hidden Journal

I read something. I need you to hear it. because it's all those things you know. and that I know you know. but that... I still want to tell you. to let you know that I can tell you. to let you know that I want to tell you. to let you know that you're the only one I want to tell these things to anymore.

you are amazing.
you are this thing in my life that makes me humble. you're too good for me. I know this. I know it to the bone that you are too good for me. And I have to wonder if the egotist wasn't right.. if I really am a psycho. because ... I think I might be dreaming the parts of being me that are you. I think I might have made this up... a nice fiction to let me capable of breathing when my day is being one of my days. When the weight of my life is about to finally push out the last of what is me.
You're there. the reminder. the lighthouse.
you are my wonderful thing.

I don't understand why... why this 'awe' (your word) why this reciprocation.
but I'm prepared to stop asking why.
I'm prepared to accept.
I'm prepared for everything I have to do to make this work
to keep you
now that I think I might have you

I'm ready.
because you're wonderful
you're more than I've ever hoped for.
and I miss you so much
it hurts in this way that brings me comfort.
it hurts in a way that makes me play loud music to rip out the quiet sounds of my own sighing.
it hurts in this way that lets me know that... this... this here? this thing? frightening gaddamned thing? This thing is what I need.
you