how the helll... hmm... I want these entries from another journal to fit in their correct places here. I wonder.....
how the hell am I going to do this?
I am missing Tom.
This only happens to this extent when I'm already upset. I'll be torn up over something.. something will have me screwed up... and then my brain dredges up Tom to throw on the pile...
I don't need anyone to try to fuck with my head.
My head does it just fine on its own.
I'm sad. I'm going to hide in a movie... no disney this time. I don't know what... maybe the star wars trilogy I pulled out last night. maybe Magic. Maybe I'll just read.
I would wait around for MLL but aim is dead on me. My head hurts. And it feels odd. that full of cotton feeling I get. Full of cotton and full of the kind of things that are going to drive me insane sooner or later.
there are only so many times you can repeat to yourself what it is you want.
I don't know if I'm convincing myself or just affirming... but with every repetition I become less sure.
I'm not used to making up my mind. I'm used to letting my chips fall where they may and taking whatever comes. It's not so much that I'm a believer in choas... that's just how my life has always been.
And even a chaotic life can exist in a vaccuum. That's what I've been doing. I haven't moved in so long and the water is so stagnant and I can't understand how anyone can see anything worthwhile here in the muck. I'm a coward. I've always been a coward. and it's never been more clear to me than right now.
So I'm going to hide for tonight.
I'm going to pretend I can't hear
Livejournal is pissing me off tonight with its lack of functionality. Its extreme and repeated lack of functionality.
that lil thing on the systray keeps blinking.. but ya know what? I CAN'T CHECK IT
but I can still post, of course.
and the person I was looking for hasn't shown up...
I dunno what to think... I'm beginning to worry