November 26th, 2001


(no subject)

"Well this is what my life is like right now....
I'm going out with Mike. We've been together almost 4 months now. Well right before me and Mike started going out I was going with David. Me and David were together for 2 years and 3 months. Well I still have a lot of feelings for David. I love him a lot. Well he's been paging me and asking me why I'm doing this to him........
Here's the story....
My mom didn't like David. She stopped us from seeing each other last November. Then she found out we were sneaking around to see each other and that we were having sex. Then he started pranking her phone line cause she wouldn't let us see each other. She pressed charges against him. Then she told me he was pressing charges against me, and he gave her a letter I wrote him. I saw the letter, so I knew that part about the letter was true. Well after I started going out with Mike she told me that David isn't pressing charges against me......
Now I'm with Mike.
I believe that if you love someone set them free if they come back to you then it was meant to be.

I just don't know what to do. I sit and cry all day, cause I'm so confused and hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore.

I wanna kill myself!!!!!! "

Things like bloodandtears freak me out.

(no subject)

"when i slit my wrists
i'll think of you
when i cry myself to sleep
i'll think of you
when i die
i'll think of you
when you see a sheep
alone in the field
think of me
when you see a child
beaten by their parents
think of me
when you see that sheep
die alone in pain
think of how you neglected me
how you forsaked me
how you forgot me
and let me die
never forget me "

Can I just say that I had the shit beat out of me with a leather belt or hands or whatever was handy at least twice a week everyday of my life til about age 14 and never in a million fucking years would I or have I written ANYTHING like that.

I just want to make it clear that you can have horrible things happen to you without having to become a 'horrible teen poet'.

(no subject)

So I'm goin to the bookstore.

I should hand my checkcard to someone else before I go.
It's a fact finding mission, not a buying mission.
Gonna go look at the geek books. For me and my newly bloomed geek brother.

No photoshop for dummies though, dammit.

(no subject)

I'm very... in here ... tonight. I feel it's been coming on all week. A culmination of a bit too much thinking and not enough getting out of the damned house.

I made myself guilty for spending $70 on 3 books and 3 postcards.

I'll be making myself guilty even more for getting things for people for christmas.

And I forgot to get stephen's email today.
he asked me for help last damned week and I still haven't provided it.

One of the very few times a family member actually deigns to ask for help, and I can't. But I know someone who can... but I can't get my shit together enough to ... fix it.
Probably because of the weird distance between us all.
Probably because I'm a wimpy chick.

I think I'll ask Chad to call me now. He's been very patient today.