December 12th, 2001


(no subject)

Okay. so.
I can't afford the things I want to get for people for christmas.
I can't decide what I'm doing with my life right now.
I can't seem to be supportive enough for Tim.
I can't find a way to let out all these things that are still hurting about Tom.
I can't get my boyfriend to tell me when something I do upsets him.
I can't understand the HNG bullshit.
I can't get my shit together.
I can't figure out where it is I'm going wrong in general or specific.
I can't seem to get anything done in a day.
I can't keep my nose out of other people's problems.
I can't express a point of view without it sounding like condemnation or praise.
I can't get around being ... this... person... I am.
I can't stop checking and rechecking my mail.
I can't stop thinking about cutting and SI and anorexia and drugs.
I can't keep myself from wondering about the love that lies in the chamber of a needle.
I can't help but think that thinner really IS better.
I can't express myself very well.
I can't stop blaming myself EVERY time Chad is upset about ANYTHING.
I can't stop blaming myself for... everything. all of it.
I can't stop wondering if maybe I'd just tried, Tom wouldn't have moved to California.
I can't stop wondering why I'm sitting here alone again.
I can't help but be angry that I was right there talking to you and you couldn't tell me you were mad.
I can't imagine what the rest of this month is going to be like.
I can't picture a happy christmas for me or chad.
I can't help still wanting to try.
I can't imagine that sleep is going to come to me easily tonight.
I can't imagine staying awake.
I can't keep my eyelids from drooping.
I can't remember what Tom's voice sounded like.
I can't stop crying when I think about it.
I can't help but feel weak and small.
I can't...
I can't do so much.
I can't feel like I matter much right now.
I can't imagine why I would matter.
I can't picture me feeling like this for long.
I can't stop waiting for you to sign back on.
I can't just sit here.
NewYorkNewYork, sweets.

I look like a white japanese girl. Really. Well. my face isn't broad or flat enough... but my eyes.
OOoooh nelly my eyes.
and I knew that last night.. but WOW.
They're getting better every minute now. I can open them a lil more ... and then a lil more....
I'm wearing the 'skinny jeans' .. you know the ones I mean.. the ones that are faded out with that lil hole in in the right inner thigh. I'm wearing those and a red long sleeved t shirt that you would like.
It does nice things with my curves.
I just heard the coffee pot finish. SO I'll get coffee in just a sec.
I need to call you, don't I? shit... I almost forgot. I really need to call you. I'll wait for 20 minutes. I'll call you at 9:30 so you have the chance to get up and have a shower before you've gotta get on out.

But won't you miss the stellar, friendly service and the phones, hun?
Won't you miss that?


ohhhhh yeah.

my eyes are even better now (no background, no color on the desktop makes a handy mirror)
My computer FINALLY does something worth having it do.
Then home again.
I've got *such* an exciting and jet set life...

(no subject)

disinfo is killing their mail service.
it's now going to be a premium service.
so I have to send my saved mail piece by piece over to insanity.


not how I wanted to spend my afternoon

(no subject)

So you ban people because don't want them posting on your lj, and then you advertise that you had to ban them... iiiiinteresting.
gloating it cool? hehe.
We all gloat, so I suppose that's alright. I just wish you'd .. ya know... categorize what happened on my journal just a lil more accurately. You were offsides, and I said no. So I got banned because I won't let you anonymously flame a friend.
That's what I think I like about LJ
We all get to be Lords of Our own little Kindgdoms.
We are the most important thing in our own digital LJ worlds.
The biggest losers still get their chunk of LJ land and the coolest schmoes are just like the losers when you look at them all clumped together in binary.
It's like.. the great equalizer.

but not really

rhett makes me giggle AIM does not

Buttmint: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
ZeeVert: are there sitting there in a row?
Buttmint: Sometimes.
Buttmint: The big ones and the small ones usually arrange themselves quite nicely.
Buttmint: There's even one here as big as your head.
Buttmint: ::::points::::
ZeeVert: ::grin::
ZeeVert: you humor me so well
Buttmint: :::pouts:::: Are you laughing at my coconuts?
Buttmint: I made mention of these tropical delicacies, and you ask if they're all sitting in a row.
Buttmint: Now what kind of question is that?!?
Buttmint: So I begin to tell you of their variety in size, and you laugh!
ZeeVert: heheheh
Buttmint: And there you go again!