December 15th, 2001


(no subject)

I'm ... sad I think?
Hard to say.
I want to find all the things that have every touched me and just... reread them and relisten and feel it all again. I want to open myself up to emotional torment and pain and rapture. I want my heart to explode and detonate and die and breath.
I want to listen to the downward spiral and feel it the way I did in high school. I want to read that poem that jay wrote me that I still can't find and know that I'm one of people looking through the eyes of shattered angels that he's talking about.
I want to feel how I felt the night I knew Tom was dead. I want to wail like that for days and days. I want to have another panic attack. I want to be crushed by love. I want to be scared and hopeful and untouchable. I want to condense down my life of feelings... all of them.. and put them in a pill and chew it up, swallow it down, rub it into my gums.

pensive (pnsv)
Deeply, often wistfully or dreamily thoughtful.
Suggestive or expressive of melancholy thoughtfulness.

(no subject)

my new online equivelant of twiddling my thumbs is going through people's journals.

just waiting ...

I'm *good* at this, ya know.
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails - Reptile

(no subject)

all my muscles are creaking. Old old old. :::nods:::

my shirt smells like an untouched dresser drawer. And that's where it's been. dresser drawer. I forogot I'd had this shirt.

My shoulders and neck and head... are just screaming for some nice, warm, strong hands. Sounds like I want to be strangled.
heh. Maybe.

I am a lonely girl.
But that's good on some days.

Like this morning. Walking up and down up and down the steps because I was looking for things and kept forgetting others and I was getting very frustrated. And somehow, the cat following after me made it worse. Because now it wasn't just me, but this easily confused, old cat.

My father talks in southernisms.
"I shore am glad you come en teday"

"jes put another coata tar un tha ruff. Tighterana duck's ass, nah!"

he slips in and out of it. Doesn't usually do it when talking to me. He has to make me stop, define words... just "testing me" since I insist on 'using unecessary' big words. So he tries his damndest to banish his accent. As if it matters.

I've heard lots... but my favorite was one that slid out of his mouth so naturally and unselfconsiously... he didn't realize he said anything funny until i started laughing.
"AHM Sweatin like ah dawg shittin a peach seed!"