December 16th, 2001

NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I'm isolated, bored, and at this point the herbal speed has all worn off so I don't think I could have an animated conversation (like I've been craving all day) if I were actually ALLOWED to.
Which, of course, I'm not.
The second line isn't going to help. It's just that place. it's just that ass that circumstance has forced him back to and I have NO RIGHT to complain about it. And I'm not really. I'm just being selfish today. I really wanted to talk. I had so much to brainstorm and babble about. I had so much to convey and so much I wanted to argue. I wanted to spend an hour calling each other names.
Haven't done that in a long time.
I miss him. And I talk to him every day. And it's worse this last week because I can talk to him... in bursts. Short bursts while I'm awake and lucid. But I can talk to him for longer periods of time well after I'm already very tired. Last night was a *great* conversation.. but I didn't sleep until 7 this morning.
I think it's a combination of the isolation and the dissapointment of the people who are supposed to be my friends, the jagged edges left on me after a migraine, and just the fatigue of feeling like I'm waiting as a profession... but I'm very sad all of a sudden.

It's all random.
"it's all happening"?

"They never feel
They don't even seem real.
They never try, so why should I?
Something is wrong.
Something invisible is gone.
They never mind, so why should I? "

Built to Spill. This album is so melancholy. I wonder if all their albums are melancholy...
  • Current Music
    Built To Spill - The Host
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I'm lonely and I'm still horribly bored and it's 2 am and he's probably not allowed to get online because when he's there he's not allowed to be treated as an adult he's treated as a little fucking child and I'm freezing and I think I'm going to take a bath but I don't want to miss him or make it too late when we talk and I'm thinking about just calling but I don't want to hear that bastard's voice but I think I might run the bath and call anyway and I'm ... just.... broken.
::shrug::
  • Current Music
    Built To Spill - The Weather
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I swear to god that Herbalife acts like st johns wort in my system
I'm up, I'm chipper, I'm full of energy, and in about an hour, this house... just being in he house and not being out and about doing something is going to drive me crazy

as it is... I've a HUGE obnoxious smile on my face.
Singing along to built to spill.

this strange
plan is random at best

this strange
how much more can I take?

this strange
change in atmosphere
and in gravity too
and it's severity

this strange
day is almost over

just started to
get sick of it

and it's strange
but not all that strange
that it's strange
but what's so strange
about that?

yeah it's strange
but why is that strange
that it's strange
but oh, well

this strange
plan is random at best

this strange
how much more can I take?

this strange
sound you said I said

you're not listening or
I'm not saying it right

this strange
war of promises

let's call us a truce
and call it the truth

and it's strange
but not all that strange
that it's strange
but what's so strange
about that?
  • Current Music
    Built To Spill - Strange
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

my parents are doing that just barely hidden tension thing.
Because my father is breaking pots on the patio like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum.
And my mother is offering to buy him what he needs just so she can get out.

So she's flown off, he's still hissy fitting on the patio, and I'm thinking of making my escape to my room that he won't dare step foot in.
He knows he's not allowed.
He knows I'd rip out his eyes.

He's fucking up his project. Plant hanger. He's good at these. Really. Knot tying. He's the one who taught me square knotting which I parlayed into rent money for a good long while. He tied one knot for me while I watched.
And then told me to have at it.
And was never pleased with anything I've showed him since.

But he just snapped a line on something he was redoing.
ANd now he's stomping in the kitchen.
Banging cabinets and slamming doors and clomping around in echoey boots.

Why is it so easy to feel so old and so much like an 8 year old at the same time?
He's my constant reminder that I'm never going to be anything other than his scared child.

retreat retreat.
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Why do I know and know of so many alcoholics?
Why don't more of them REALIZE that they're alcoholics?
It's not a disease, baby, it's a compulsion. You want an addiction, there's a buffet of delights to choose from .. I don't understand why *anyone* picks alcohol.
Personally, it makes me maudlin. Especially when I think I'll just fix my shitty mood with booze. Never works. And I've finally learned. Alcohol only destresses you and makes you feel good when you've had a life that probably doesn't stress you out *too* much.
Otherwise, for the rest of us (the NORMAL ones with FUCKED UP lives and massive amounts of baggage and issues) it just drags you further down.
Depressants? Depressants bring you down? Say it aint so!

Oh but it's true.
::nods::

For me... drinking is what I do when I WANT to feel like shit and think too much and end up just curled up in a ball pretending I can't see the monsters.
Not that I don't have my drug abusing predilictions... but I can't understand the attraction to something like alcohol. E, I love (except for the crash. The crash can be nasty), Weed? EXCELLENT. Schedule 1 narcotics are pretty damned cool. Ultram and flexeri, vicodin, codeine, percoset, percodan...
My babies though... my love...
Always the speedies. The mellow speedies. I'm not a meth freak. Just look at a picture in which I'm smiling and you'll be able to tell that I'm not a tweaker. No rotting teeth, no horribly acned skin. But I really love the uppers.
A bowl with a lil crushed adderol.
Oooooh yeah .

But alcohol just depresses me and makes me puke.
::nods::