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December 21st, 2001

Dec. 21st, 2001

lawdy lawd, but the tao te ching takes forever to load in digital land


20.
Get rid of "learning" and there will be no anxiety.
How much difference is there between "yes" and "no"?
How far removed from each other are "good" and "evil"?
Yet what the people are in awe of cannot be disregarded.

I am scattered, never having been in a comfortable center.
All the people enjoy themselves, as if they are at the festival of the great sacrifice,
Or climbing the Spring Platform.
I alone remain, not yet having shown myself.
Like an infant who has not yet laughed.
Weary, like one despairing of no home to return to.

All the people enjoy extra
While I have left everything behind.
I am ignorant of the minds of others.
So dull!
While average people are clear and bright, I alone am obscure.
Average people know everything.
To me alone all seems covered.
So flat!
Like the ocean.
Blowing around!
It seems there is no place to rest.
Everybody has a goal in mind.
I alone am as ignorant as a bumpkin.
I alone differ from people.

I enjoy being nourished by the mother.

Dec. 21st, 2001

If ever a post made me cringe... this is it.
"shameless convenience" is what gets me. "inflict pain on an innocent living nonperson"

I never really thought about it in terms of rights.
I've always just thought about it as what I needed to do.
19, unstable as all hell, the father a 25 year old, bi polar, infantile, mentally deficient throwback who refused to take his meds, living at home with his patetnly insane, randomly undressing mother who took 3/4 of his SSI disability money (his only source of income) to pay off the phone company and the power company who were constantly shutting off services due to non payment.

"convenience" isn't the word that comes to mind.
Not nearly.

LOVE this song

and another...
just more lyricsCollapse )
I get equated with 'real life douche bags' and the lil sychophant parade lines up to toss salad.
Sure, they're comforting... but their breath is horrendous.
I'm sitting here bored. I don't MEAN to spam your friends lists.. but well, that is what it looks like I'm doing, hmm?
I haven't had AIM open in a couple days. I haven't bothered. I've been too sensitive, too emotional, too... raw to deal with anyone and especially anyone's bullshit.
It just seems too... hard.

I do this in real life too. I always have. I don't understand the people who draw such strict lines marking off the on and offline conduct parameters. I'm me. I'm me in person and online and on the phone. The same me. I act the same, I feel the same... I think the only adjustment is for lack of tone, but even that goes out the window and I take things too hard or too lightly.

I dunno. I've spent so long keeping everything at arms length that things are so blurred this up close.
I'm glad I've got people around who are willing and able to help me along with the courage of my convictions. I'd just play carpet some more if I didn't. I'd just ... take it.
ramblin.. ramblin...
Dad broke two of mom's antique bottles.

so of course, now I have another mission....
Big Love for the Ebay.
Hires Rootbeer extract... My mom's had that bottle since her grandfather was in the habit of making homemade rootbeer.
it won't be here for christmas... but oh well

The thing that gets me... my father broke them. There was the Hires bottle and a small ruby colored pressed glass bottle from .. who the hell knows where. She doesn't remember where she got it, but it was certainly her favorite of the small collection of antique bottles that she had on the shelf above the sink. He decided to move them for something and broke those two. He cleaned them up, left them in a bag, and left the house to do all his last minute shopping today and never said anything. When he came home, me and my mom were looking in the bag at the shards and he just sort of... shrugged and said that yeah, he broke them this morning.
I don't understand that. If I break one of her brand new, cheap, means nothing to her glasses, I feel guilty for days. He breaks her two favorite antique bottles and doesn't even so much as apologize for it.
Just more of his usual crap.
my mother pulls me aside to bitch about my father.
my father pulls me aside to bitch about my mother.

I'm sick of this crap.
mmmkay. I didn't want to start an abortion debate on my journal.
cut for the sake of your friends listCollapse )
if your boobs could concievably smack you in the forehead if you were to run in the nude....
don't show them unrestrained, por favor..


I'm blind...
I'm blind now...
Very sad.. very sad..
far too emotional as it is and every little thing is just making it worse.
I got a package from chad today with one of the things I left behind in Seattle (shot glass for my brother) 4 more antenna toppers (for the girl who has no car ::grin:: ), a cute as hell lil alien guy in a robe that chad tells me sat on his desk at MS for 2 years, so I officially have my own specialized piece of the empire, and this great card... I'll have to scan this picture in... it's THAT fucked up.
I'd love to make a user icon from it.
All of this made me happy.
but at the same time, served to remind me that I would be so much happier if I had never gotten anything at all in a box, but instead just a hug.
NO. this is not a call for digital huggy poos.
thanks but no thanks.
I want a real live one from a real live person in particular and I want it to last much longer than any human could endure.
Becuase we aren't humans.

We're crackheads :::grin::
There have just been entirely too many hurt feelings this week.
I want the holidays over.
It puts on this extra stress that none of us need.
I know that I'm too stressed. I'm also way too emotional. I didn't mean to just... cry out a goodbye and hang up.
I meant to calmly say okay. But that didn't work, did it?

it kills me that I just ... can't make someone feel any better.
And I know that they're just as frustrated with that as I am.

I just hope we can be patient with each other.
Just ONE MORE THING .. heh... I'll let my back break before I give up.
::nods::

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Comments

  • 10 Dec 2011, 04:59
    Поздравляю с очередным днем рождения! Желаю, чтобы все было, и ничего за это не было
  • 22 Mar 2010, 15:28
    I approve of the idea of you as a bulldyke.
  • 22 Mar 2010, 14:05
    my problem is that i hate tumblr. it always looks fucked up to me.
  • 15 Sep 2009, 21:48
    i miss you guys! i have no idea how to log into my old lj account. but i think of you often and am glad you have happy-yay-times lately! (oh PS its kaeren and PPS i dont really lj anymore anyway but…
  • 12 Sep 2009, 09:54
    If it'd help, I could try to describe running into the Suburban. But then I'd have to explain what I was driving, which leads RIGHT back into that whole polyamory thing. Gluh. Carting around all…
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