February 6th, 2002


(no subject)

I had this sudden seering fear of death just hit me a lil bit ago.
For the first time in a long long time I have so much to keep going for. I've got plans and things I want to do and things I want to see and feel and I've got someone who loves me an incredible amount and all of a sudden... I was just so fucking scared.

I was thinking about those people who look for the patterns in the numbers.
Like on 02/02/02 ... the 20 year olds on 02/02/02... that would be even *more* interesting if that were your birthday. And I thought about years matching up. The next time I'll be in an addition of 10 to my birthyear it will be 2007. And the next time it will have the same ending as my birth year... 2077.. that would make me 100... that doesn't seem far away. It seemed horribly close. And I realized.. I won't live that long.. and I just wanted to fall over and cry at this realization.

When you spend years and years of your life just waiting to die... and then you suddenly realize you don't want to die anymore... it.. I guess this is what it feels like, hmm?

That's why holly doesn't make plans. That's why holly doesn't look for long term. That's why holly avoids commitment even to people she loves.
Because she's been waiting her whole life for her life to stop.
And doesn't want to stand anyone up.

I just really freaked myself out and I'm doing a poor job of explaining.

(no subject)

That's why holly didn't used to do those things.
Now holly does those things. Because she is looking FORWARD to things beyond a week from now. ..
something she couldn't do before.
And now... now it seems like that's all she does.

Becuase she is making plans. Big plans for her future.
And a future is something she never realized she would have.

And now it's something she wants.

house and marriage and kids and cars and mortage payments and potty training and ... all that stuff.
That alien stuff that always belonged to other people that's now here, in her head and screaming so loud that it routinely makes her cry, thinking about how much she wants it.

And she'll stop talking in third person now.