March 16th, 2002

NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

mmkay.. Kottonmouth Kings are just goofy lil fuckers.

That's my professional opinion.

I've found it's very difficult for me to just be purely happy for someone else and not jealous of their situation or resentful of the noise they make about their personal goodness.

It's not true of all situations or people.
But... sometimes.. I just can't deal with other people's happiness. Not in some sort of .. fucked up angsty gawther than thou way.
I just find that it gets under my skin in a bad way and I'm only able to be happy for you intellectually. I think most people have that problem and lie about it.
Or maybe I'm just projecting so I'm not alone in my selfish lil issues.
Hardly matters.

The fact is, that sometimes, its really hard to see other people (even people I honestly like) being happy and getting what they want.. especially when it seems so effortless.
It just serves to highlight my bullshit. My cute lil pile of bullshit life.

I've got ONE GOOD THING. It's 3,000 miles away. And the reality of that is thick and heady. So thick and so heady that it's hard to see past it. Very hard.
I'm good for it. I am that strong, and stronger.

But I can't jump up and down in glee or have a natural happy smile break on me from reading about so and so's goodness that just fell into their lap or hearing about how everything is just working out for so and so...
And I don't think that that makes me a particularly bad person.
I *could* be going out of my to shit on it. And ooooh yeah, I've had that urge. But I haven't.

I even miss the way Chad SNORES ferchrissakes.

GUH
  • Current Music
    KottonMouth Kings - Big Hoss
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Woke up far too many times last night with this issue or that issue so I let myself sleep in.
No one at the house.
I'm alone and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel like shit physically, I'm not really awake yet, but I feel like I should maybe use this alone time constructively.

But I don't think there's anything for it.

I've been pretty hardcore feeling the love lately. And that's such a good good thing. As long as I can keep the levels the same in the other direction.
Which is dubious because, in usual Holly fashion, I've no faith in myself.
Well, not in a lot of things about myself anyway.

I'm a lil grumpy because I don't feel good.
I keep picturing myself breaking off the legs of my little taxidermy frog.
If nothing else it would probably answer wether or not the fucking thing is actually real or not. it was too damned weird *not* to buy. But the question of its authenticity has been raised more than once. It could be just a very weird fake frog standing on its hind legs.
But I'd like to think that it was a real one. Maybe a pet. And someone felt the need to immortalize it like this. Lil arms out in different positions.. seemingly standing with one hip cocked out... kinda looks like it's throwing a gang symbol, to be honest..

I dunno.
I think I should sip a lil coffee.
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Well the horoscope got a lil freaky.
I've been sans libido for many weeks now.
And then all of a sudden a couple days ago ....

heh.... and Rob knew about it. ::nods::

"Science News reports that the flora of the Northern Hemisphere now awakens from its winter sleep a week earlier than it did just two decades ago. One of the perks of global warming? Probably. But this awakening of the earth's life forces cannot alone account for your libido's rapidly elevating mood. I believe we can also attribute it to your wise decision to slow down and recharge your psychic battery in the past few weeks. Next assignment: Prepare for a flood of stimuli that will trigger record levels of soul hunger -- and soul satisfaction."

hehe

I always forget to check freewillastrology.com until I see it somwhere else.

And I will not be accepting any speeches on how bunk horoscopes are. I enjoy reading freewill astrology, I don't live my life by it.
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

There's a short little fucker in washington who I want to kill.
I mean literally kill.
First of all, I want to humiliate him and make him feel small and weak.
And then, I want to hurt him.
Slowly.
And then, I want him dead dead dead.
  • Current Mood
    enraged enraged
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I haven't had a cigarette in 7 hours.
if it weren't clear before, it is certainly clear now... I am an addict.

And my dad is still gone. Which is interesting, though not particularly stressful or anything.

Specially considering he just walked in the door..
had to open my gaddamn mouth....

He doesn't seem drunk.
Maybe he WAS drunk and is tired now.

Funny... my father being drunk was never a factor in anything as a kid. He was dangerous enough sober.
And now... it's almost a good thing. It makes him tired.
Except, it makes me more tense.. because I can't predict him.