April 15th, 2002


(no subject)

There was a phone call. Some truths were told. I learned some things, he learned some things.... I'm not sure about *anything*...but I'm willing to keep learning things here.

He found out that no one I asked about it thought that what he said were jokes were jokes and I found out that all the people he asked about my going to DC for the weekend with "some guy" said it wasn't cool at all.

I can't say I give a damn. I'm not a normal girl and I don't have normal requirements for being with me. A liberal amount of trust is absolutely required because I don't tend to have female friends and people who are the jealous type are going to implode quickly.
I'm also very independent. I'm very much someone who needs to not be tied to a schedule of affection. A time table of when and how is the first sure thing that's going to kill my URGE to show affection. And I'm a very affectionate person.

This is probably airing dirty laundry.
Right now, I don't really care. I want to do a little spewing, and I think I shall.

I've considered just making a different LJ so that I can be fully and completely and bluntly honest about everything without feeling like the mutual friends list people are getting stuck in the middle of some bizarre thing ... but fuck it.

If you can't deal with seeing what I say or you think I'm just some cunt, drop me off the list. I'm a big girl and can deal with it all.
ALL of it.

(no subject)

Okay ... now I see how utterly pathetic this is...
Why the fuck did any of you even consider this?
Why wasn't I smacked for it?

"I know no one really has it, but basically, I'm asking for $$$, whether it be a quarter, a dollar, or whatever........ I figured some people might want something in return, so what I have come up with so far, for those who send $13 or more, they will get a mix CD in return, made by your truely. "

Fucking telethon.
And I should have been sooooo ashamed of myself.

(no subject)

Herbiscuits: heheh yesh.. in case there was any question on the matter, you are definitely a geek.

mjfgates: Ohhh, yes. Hell, they didn't even call computer types "geeks" yet when I started coding... I'm an ante-geek!

Peer Pressure

I decided to use the Sema client...
Jeeeze man, why didn't I use this one before?
This is so much better. *So* much better than that piece of crap that visions put out and then decided to act like a little git over.
  • Current Music
    ice crunchy crunchy


I think I am the queen of psychosomatically induced illnesses.
When I was in junior high, I was in chorus. At first it was just the usual chorus and then there was an afterschool group called "girls chorus" (that wasn't a girls chorus because there were 3 boys) that I did 3 days a week and for competitions. It was adopted the next year as an actual class called treble choir (soprano I, soprano II, alto I, alto II).
We did a medley of Oliver stuff for competition. I had a solo for "Who will buy". I sang alto, it was definitely a soprano portion, but for some reason I got the part. I guess I can just pull off the falsetto thing.
The whole week before the competition I had a hideous cold, sore throat, and I could only croak when I talked. However, when it came time to sing, I did it just right with no problems and by that afternoon the cold was gone.
This happened the next year when I was in madrigals and had concerts and competitions. Every single solo performance (and for some fucking reason I had a lot of them) I would be deathly ill right before hand.
Then in high school I got all involved in drama and the same pattern repeated.
My favorite being playing the nurse in R&J... I had to bellow "JULIET" at the top of my lungs. It had to be LOUD and ABRASIVE. It had to be impressively large. I can project quite a bit. I have a big, full voice.
Right up until I went on stage I was so sick that I couldn't force even warm weak tea down my throat. I was coughing to the point that I'd broken capillaries in my throat and I was spitting up blood constantly.
I got out on stage, the lights came up, I bellowed a huge bellow and you'd have never ever known that anything had been wrong. As soon as that first long babble about weening juliet from breast feeding (the nipple of my dug, by golly) I didn't cough again for the entire 2 week run (matinees are cool as they get you out of class, but a pain because they're fieldtrips for the kiddies in the audience) nor did I have that problem when we performed it as the opener at the state conference.

But usually when I get really stressed out that's when I get sick. When I've got stuff going on in my head that is just not stopping.
When Jason was harassing me.
When Tom died and Mister Questions had just basically told me to fuck off and I was taking care of Mike around the clock and Tim and Sean were pseudo fighting over me... hehe.. suffice it to say that I got *really* sick.
Almost dead kind of sick.
Doctor said so.

I don't really know if this is psychosomatic sick. I just know that my throat is absolutely killing me and I've got that weird fatigued yet restless thing going on.
I know I should be sipping tea and laying down but, well, I've never been very good at taking care of myself.

The tradition continues.
  • Current Music
    Jeff Buckley - Everybody Here Wants You


Am I totally insane for considering this?
I think I just may be.
But I think I would actually really honestly enjoy it.
Fuck knows I do it enough. You can hardly be in my presence without me massaging you somewhere... I meant like your neck or hands or.. what were you ... Oooooh .. BAD! </akadashi>

hmmm I dunno. I know I need to do something with myself and I think it would be helpful if that something led to gainful employment.
I really can't see being a geek professionally, first of all because I'm not that good at it (and I mean in the inherent goodness sort of way) and secondly because I'm just not sure if that's what I want.

I'm hoping that these MP3s I'm listening to are fucked up because they're the old ones I ripped and not because I fucked up the 6 cds worth I've already done. I will be pissed.
This ticking noise must go.
  • Current Music
    Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah