May 2nd, 2002


(no subject)

My mom is the sort of woman who has a little wrought iron "L" in the front garden area for hanging little flags on.
She's got several flags for each season and each holiday. She's also got another flag pole on the brick patio wall for larger flags. Again, she's got several for each season and each holiday. She changes them regularly.

This is probably the most incidental thing you could possibly know about her. But I just adore her for it.

(no subject)

I feel so much better, but I'm still mostly deaf.
I didn't wake up with my eyes weeping and itching like I have for the last several days (I thought it might be conjunctivitis, but it never really ached and itched the way that pink eye will cause), which tells me that it probably really was just the difference between air/dust/cat hair/smells/so forth in Karl's house and in mine.
I don't feel sick anymore, but my ears are still all clogged up and I don't know what is going to make them better. They pop constantly, which is a good sign. I just wish they'd hurry it the hell up.
Dosing up on dayquil and nyquil was a good idea.
I'm supposed to put together this thing for my mom, but before that, I'm supposed to go shopping with her.
I don't know if I have the motivation to actually go amoungst people today.
That is sometimes an issue.

I'm not agoraphobic, I'm not full of social anxiety. I really enjoy being out and amoungst people. If I had my druthers, I'd leave the house in the morning and come back in time to take care of a few chores and go to bed on a hell of a lot more frequent basis. I just sometimes feel odd and disconnected from things in a way that makes it really difficult to interact with the world at large. It's always something I can just push myself through. Not really being able to hear very well right now makes it worse because I already feel seperated, bubbled off.
I think it's all just residual shyness, self esteem issues from childhood.
I never talked unless I absolutely had to. I didn't anyone to look at me, focus on me, notice me. I've gotten a lot better, but I still sometimes feel the need to hide behind the people I'm out with, not talk, have them talk for me.
Screwed up? Yes I am.

Just another reason why I think going and seeing a shrink would be a good idea just as soon as I can.
Not that I think I can't deal with these things on my own.
I just think that it might be better if I had some help, encouragement, a plan.

This is just me rambling. These are things I don't usually talk about. I think they become self-evident (or, well, they used to... I dunno how I present now) from spending a little time around me. I mouse up. I mumble my answers. I can't look waiters in the eye.
People with social confidence shock and confound me.
When I'm not in a place of seperation, my social confidence shocks and confounds me.

There was a period of time where all these things weren't issues. There was a period of time when I was the most confident person I knew. It's just been worn down again for awhile. I'll get it back. It's all just a process.
Baby steps ::grin::
  • Current Mood
    where's all my hair?!

(no subject)

I'm tired of chasing people down, making them talk to me.
Well, that's what is feels like anyway.

I went to the store, I tried on clothes. I always FORGET that I'm not utterly huge anymore.
But then, I'm still too big for my taste.
The size is fine. The softness is not.
Too soft in too many places.

crunches are the key.
Crunches are my salvation.

Or uh ... maybe not.

(no subject)

herm.. nothing is working for me tonight.
The archives aren't working, I can't figure out some of the things with this burner, Karl's FTP isn't displaying any audio, so the things I was going to download aren't there, my printer is flaking out on me, and when I got comfy earlier intending to write, I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours.

I know I should do everything in my power to just stay groggy, or I'll never sleep.
But I really want coffee.
I REALLY want coffee.

So I think I'm going to be an infant and give in and make coffee.

And Ayn Rand can kiss my ass too.

Ace pear cider. it's just *good*.
I was going through photos earlier and there really are some very nice pics of the aquarium. I'm suprised at that, and still annoyed that that one roll decided to snap on me and be destroyed in the process. It just couldn't take the thought of being processed, exposed, so vulnerable.
So it just *snapped*.

I'm in a really odd, generally good, but really odd mood. Would be nice if there was someone to babble at. But all my babble at people are taking early nights or uhm... avoiding me? hell, I dunno what they're doing. They're doing something other than talk to me, that's all I know. That's not a bad thing. I already feel like I demand too much of people's time, patience, and concern. A lot of that is simple neurosis...which I readily admit.

I really want my ears to clear up. I hate feeling like there's a pillow strapped to my head. It sucked being sick the whole week I was in Annandale. I think I ended up being more grumpy and whiney than I really should have been simply because I felt like hell.

This guy who's campaigning for city counsel is a trip.
He has these commercials (he's the only candidate who has commercials besides the ultra goofy Jim Wood, who has different people (all ethnically correct groupings) answering questions with "Jim Would!" .. get it? get it? Get the joke? Aint it clever?) claiming that, if elected, he'll forfit his salary and put it into a trust to help disadvantaged kids in the city, with other people . Most of the campaigning posters around the city are simple, last name, bold colored, stating the position being run for. His are huge two sided deals with a big dynamic graphic, a photograph of himself with a big campaign smile, His name in red white and blue (" MADDOX") and some lil slogan.
This guy obviously has some cash to throw away on this thing.
And he worked with Gov. Allen on something or other.
That right there is enough to make him highly suspect.
Governor Allen was an asskissing freak super-ultra-right wing christian coalition loving guy who went way out of his way to push the pro-business agenda on an area that's already all about bending over and spreading wide for anyone who wants to build anything anywhere as long as the city gets a kick back.
Witness the 30 million dollar soccer stadium.

I dunno. Politics in general used to get me really firey minded. I would scream and yell and debate and plead and talk down and negotiate all over the place for all sorts of things. I guess maybe age has made my ideals soften a little, because I really can't get all that interested in these things anymore.

and in other news: I bought pajamas today. ::nods::
  • Current Mood
    bored bored