When you're already feeling very ... fragile/needy/odd/overly thoughtful... it's never a good thing to have no one talking to, no one responding when you do talk, and people just blinking out on you.
There are very good reasons for all those things there.. but since Dan left earlier today I've felt increasingly lonely.
Dan's good for me. He puts a spotlight on the things that I would normally avoid thinking about and makes me take note. He doesn't let me get away with anything, certainly not with deluding myself. And he's somehow... kind about it.
He has a way of doing it that robs me of the ability to be angry at him for it...
Because I know damned well that if anyone else did it, I'd be pissed at them.
The problem is that Dan cannot be here 24 hours a day to help me deal with the fallout from the things I don't want to think about not thinking about. So I'm trailing back and forth between being morose and dejected and then getting angry at myself (for being whiney... inside my own head... yep) and just laughing it off for awhile.
I need a good long cathartic scream.
And I need to get over this notion that's been pounded into my head that I'm not allowed to need what I need because it would put other people out.
And I need someone to come over here and warm up my hands because the AC seems to be set at "frost bite on a penguin's ass"
my mail is mocking me.
Every time I reload it, it gets a liiiiiiiittle closer to actually giving me my like... 3 days worth of mail.
Most of those are LJ replies.
In fact, I'd be suprised if there was anything there *but* lj replies.
This is the furthest I've gotten thus far. To the actually "get messages" screen... lil blue bar stalled out half way through... just hanging out.
I'm getting a cold.
So I will bake GERMS into the cookies. My own little bio-warfare time bomb.
This is the only time I'm going to complain about this today ....
I WANT MY MAIL TO WORK
okay.. that's it.
This is very odd, making a post that specifically excludes Karl.
But it's becuase I've been wanting to babble about the cookies, but haven't becuase well, he might as what all the baking is about... and then I'd have to lie to him and I don't want to lie.
I've been planning to bake a bunch of cookies and send them to Karl's office.
They're in this insane period of time where they're all working 12 hour days at a minimum, there is no pause or calm at any point during the day and he's just very ... exhausted, ready for vacation, and in desperate need of a break. Well, I can't give him a break, I can't make him any less tired, and I certainly can't help out with that vacation thing.
But, well, I know that if I bake a bunch of things I send them to his office, it will make him smile.
So that's what I'm doing.
It's the least I *can* do .. .and I do mean the LEAST.
Besides, his boss invited me over to her house one night and I ate her food and played with her pets and spent a long time hanging out there... I think she deserves a lil thank you as well.
The black and whites I made were a trial run on that recipe, but they'd be a total pain in the ass to attempt to ship, so I'm not going to be sending those.
However, I will be sending shortbread ( the lil rectangular kind), chocolate chip cookies, the lemon/raisin cookies I know he adores, brownies and blondies.
All from scratch, all made by me.
It's one of the few suzy homemakerish things I can pull off.
Increasingly, I just want to get a job in a bakery so I can do this for a living.
I really really dig it.
But tell me... do you think that I'm sending enough and enough variety?
I expect him to share this stuff (as much as he wants to anyway .. and well.. with Karl that means they will probably get more than him) soo .. okay ... two types of brownie things... 3 types of cookies.
Over a dozen of each of the cookies (like.. 3 dozen chocolate chip, 2 dozen lemon, and 3 dozen shortbread) and the brownies are thick, full pan deals that the count really just depends on how I cut them.
6 people in total in his office, including him.
enough? too much? more variety? Am I just a crazy insane person who needs to stop being so freaking bizarre?
Tell me tell me.