July 13th, 2002


I'm exhausted and sunburnt

I repotted a hell of a lot of things today out on the patio and the dunes of miracle grow potting soil are a testament to my toiling and burning and sweating.

but my hair still looks presentable.
'cept for a lil ridge around the edges where the hat left its mark. Ah well, close enough to presentable anyway.
Not that I have to present it to anyone. Just an interesting (to me) observation.

the pansies, the portulaca, the verbena, the gerbera daisies, the silver leaf and the tomato plants (grape tomatoes from seed) all have homes. Now if I can just remember to water them at the right times and in the right doses... I think they'll be okay. ::Nods::

Ya know what I'm thinking?
I'm really hoping that Jessie is having a good time on her road trip. I was thinking about her today. It's rare that I really really *get along* with women. (which is weird considering how much men tend to fuck me over) I think that in the last couple years punkalicia is the only chick I've met who I genuinely connect/get along with/groove on. But with ascaechoriel I like.. just genuinely like her as a person. I wish her well. I have happy good thoughts about her. Without knowing her all that well or having ever met her... I just give a shit about her well being on a day to day basis.
It's sort of the way I think I should feel about my sister, but just don't because of how fucked up she is about our family. So she never lets that much comfort enter into it.

I dunno. it just feels weird *to me* to think about someone this way... herm...
I overthink things.
  • Current Music
    Meat Beat Manifesto - Circles

(no subject)

Maybe I shouldn't listen to Love Mad anymore.
It has a cloud of ... need, longing, desire, intensity .. there. I really really like it in a more detached way but it's hitting a lil too close to those soft emotional bits of me right now.

Late last night I listened to it and felt the usual mood of want/lust/love in the song, but it felt *so* melancholic at the same time. That sense of it has stuck with me.

So, it goes into that pile of things I can't listen to and watch.. along with High Fidelity, about half of Grace by Jeff Buckley and "I hope that I don't fall in love with you" by Tom Waits.
  • Current Music
    Meat Beat Manifesto - Soul Driver

(no subject)

I am someone who fears the consequences.
I fear the consequences so much that sometimes I'm paralyzed by that fear.
Paralysis in me will lead to bottling and bottling and bottling.
The contents of my bottles are corrosive, volitile, and will just randomly explode.

It's better when I don't bottle. For me. For the people who have to live around the bottles.
But I still fear the consequences.

I fear them quite a lot, even when I shouldn't and there is no reason to.

So when I actually DO talk about things and feel better afterward it's alien to me. But I also worry that I'm unfairly burdening someone else.
I also worry that me voicing my concerns will change things. Like I'm the damned butterfly in the rainforest and anything in the path of the shockwaves of my concerns will necessarily be changed by them.

I don't want to be a force of change in the places of my life that I really enjoy as is.
But I don't know if that's avoidable.
And that's where my fear of consequences comes in.

I'm okay, I'm good, I'm better than I was.


I'm a thief

This is funny. I stole it from stuntdouble's journal.
And I believe he stole it from someone called robotangel

I can't explain *why*.. but it's just damned funny.

And this userpic that Rhett showed me the other day (no, I don't know the user)