August 10th, 2002


(no subject)

I feel incredibly alone tonight. Only vaguely lonely... but very very *alone*, which to me is a very different thing.
I feel isolated, circumstantially and through the limitations and pride standards I've imposed on myself. What's a scream for attention from me is just an idle comment from someone else, so I can understand it being hard to see. And I haven't even been screaming. I've just been sitting and glowering. I'm not waiting for someone to fix it. And at the moment it isn't so bad that I've gotten proactive about it.
I wish I had a feeling of connection right now, but I just don't.

This isn't to say I'm in a bad mood... I'm not... I'm actually in probably the best mood generally that I've been in in months.
I came to some realizations. Some things about spirituality and my constant envy of people who aren't lunatics, but still have faith (a few years ago, I don't think I'd ever found one.. but I may not have actually been looking) are cleared up. I just feel better.
I've finally decided to accept the truth in that I'm going to be okay. Really okay. I'm not just going to survive or make due. I'll be okay. I'll be good. Honestly good.
It probably isn't around the corner... but it's down the road and it's definitely there and its shadow hasn't moved yet, so I've a feeling it's going to stay until I get there.
I feel really content and grateful for the good things and unwilling to comprimise on the things that don't enhance my life.

But I'm still very alone at the moment. And I just wish it weren't so.
  • Current Mood
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(no subject)

Guh... I just went over and scrolled through debate.
It's just a seething, writhing, pustuled bag of stupid.
30 posts on who the dumb new person/troll in their midst might be. Conspiracy theories... 'could it be so and so?' 'no, I think it's like this...' 'oh we are *so* fun and funny for talking about this! teehee!' 'look at my deep analytical insight!'

Vomit puke and piss, man.

They're still acting as if using the phrase "ad homien" makes them intelligent somehow while at the same time more or less playing "smack the new guy."
We did it on the GF list all the time, but ya know what? We were all just honestly more intelligent. Really. Because if the person wasn't an idiot (or Allie) most of us backed off right away and only administered the occasionally jab to let them know that we COULD haze them if we really WANTED to.

I don't understand how you could get through with some long inane ramblings conspiracy like theories on who this particular idiot in your midst is and then still honestly believe that you're simply the more intelligent creature here.
Maybe it really is all in fun and the edge that I'm reading in people's words isn't there. But it certainly looks like rabid infighting and fierce protection of territory to me.

(no subject)

The hr lady called me back. I was apparently asleep. Instead of waking me up, my father took a message and then waited until I'd been downstairs, awake, alert and wandering around for *3* hours before telling me about the message.
The hr lady had left for the day.

I'm just a little pissed off.

I'm snarky and you're dumb.

"Operator get me through.
Got to get me through to you
To you
Can you see them?
They all look the same
Did you hear them?
They cried out your name.
Can you feel them?
They're dying in shame.
They're dying in shame."

Doesn't get more upbeat than that, folks.
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