August 21st, 2002


(no subject)

Tim called, more or less just to upset me, I think. I can't figure out any other point to the call, though it was ostensibly so that he could "aplogoize" and "get some things off his chest". Where "apologize" apparently means "take no responsibility and blame Holly for not trying hard enough" and "get some things off his chest" means "recount to Holly every instance he feels she committed a transgression."

Fun shit.
He got hung up on. I don't need that shit from him anymore. Then he called back and left a screechy screamy message on the machine because I wouldn't pick it up. I think he was trying to sound intimidating, but he's got a voice like a Disney character. Picture, say, DeNiro in Cape Fear bellowing at Nick Nolte and family, but having it come out sounding sort of like Flouder the fish from The Little Mermaid.
It's just not very effective.
"It's just a simple thing to listen. Why can't you just fucking do things the easy way and listen?"

So I'm a little annoyed about all of that. I kick people out of my life for very good reasons. It's just such a shame that they have to keep popping back up to prove to me how right I am.

On the other hand I watched Manhunter for the first time. Why have I never seen this, and why have I never read the books? It's about BSU agents taking down serial killers... how more "me" could it be?
Anyway, the back cover said it was superior to Silence of the Lambs and aside from a few unforgiveable instances of 80s music ("heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeart beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat, listen to my heeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaart beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat") I have to agree with the critics there.
I was really really impressed.
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(no subject)

I've run out of movies to watch.
There's only so many times a girl can watch Bruce Lee: The Invincible before something has got to give.

I want some push to my shove, but your hand is in my glove....

I really love Ruby. Go get an album and listen to it.

I'm all nervous about work tomorrow and I dunno why. I think it's mainly clothing based, actually. I'm not yet used to the uniform or going down the main office hall, that's going to take a few weeks.

It's amazing what just a little bit of conversation with someone I like will do for my mood. It doesn't always work, but so much of the time just a short conversation will turn around a really really horrible mood. I'm glad I vented a tiny bit today at Karl. It really really helped. I'm glad I vented a tiny bit at Jessie the other day becuase that really helped too. If I can just keep myself occupied mentally I think I can keep myself from getting into the extremely negative morose thinking that's kept me so depressed the last couple weeks.
No, that's not my way of saying I need to avoid. If I was avoiding, I wouldn't have acknowledged that I've been depressed.
It just does me no good to dwell. I am a world class dweller and it is probably the worst thing I could do to myself. I analyze too much as it is. I over think everything and work myself into mental corners that aren't really there. I keep myself miserable through exceedingly negative thinking.
And while I don't think I can get totally self-help-bookish on myself, I do think that it's time I start doing some more agressive positive thinking. I've been stunned at my own confidence lately. I've been really impressed with myself in that I apparently somewhere along the way picked up some self esteem that I wasn't aware that I had.
I just have to remember that when it counts.
And remember that I'm strong and I've been through things that are so much more difficult than this. This? This shit? This is fucking *nothing*.
I need to remember that.

Sometimes the squeaky wheels are whiners.
But not me. And I need to remember that most of all. Help is there, I just need to ask for it (and sometimes I need to stomp my foot and fucking scream for it) and I certainly deserve it.
  • Current Music
    Sheep On Drugs - Acid Test