September 25th, 2002

NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I was looking for a cracked version of The Sims for my brother (not remembering that I *have* one with the correct cd key and all that... just gotta find it) and somehow, with all the windows open and all the weird sites I was tromping through, I ended up with this:


frightening.
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. For some reason, somehow, that song will get me every single time I hear it.
Except the word 'love' doesn't really apply because I just... I don't think I've ever been in love. Not really. I dunno.. hard to tell isn't it?
Anytime I've ever thought I was really totally *consumed* by love for someone, it's never been reciprocated. And the heartache caused from that lack sooner or later killed that love. So does that mean it wasn't real?

The truth is, I'm a big ball of open and exposed nerve endings. I have enormous, consuming emotions. So in the moment, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between hopeful crush and deep and meaningful love. But I always know after. heh.
Convenient huh? Fits the cliches perfectly.

I've cared really deeply for many people. Some of them have cared deeply for me.
That should be enough, right?

I dunno. It's a testament to how removed I am from these things right now that I'm typing all this out with a wistful smile on my face instead of some rueful, too worldly, not wise enough, smirk on my face.
Another truth is, even though I know I really want that tenderness and depth of emotion in my life, I think I'd just break it, and whoever is giving it. And that is, well... good to know. Becuase wanting it doesn't equal needing it.
Babble babble.

I always come back to this don't I?
feeling too much is better than not feeling enough. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
NewYorkNewYork

(no subject)

I sent Chuck a taunting text message saying that he could just never randomly say hello, could he?
he replied "of course not. I never do anything randomly"
Then I realized I was sort of serious in my annoyance that he never says hello first, never makes an effort. Most people don't. But I never get used to that, especially as it regards people who have the time and means but utterly fail to use them.
I wrote all this mail the other day... not one response. It's more and more clear all the time that all my old attachments are that and only that.
Old attachments.
I wrote back to Chuck that I was feeling very very forgotten.
I haven't gotten a reply.

does this really matter in the larger scheme of things? nope. But I'm feeling verbose, silly, full of myself.
I'm feeling really social. hehe... what unfortunate timing. ::smirk::