I'm not going to play the talking through posts thing.
This really sucks hitting me in the face at 5 a.m.
I spent the first hour at work exhausting everything I could possibly say, every way I could possibly react, every way I could be.
I came to the conclusion that... well... there really isn't anything to say.
I was talking to Sam last night when I really should have been sleeping. One of the things I was rambling on about what this stupid thing that keeps happening 'to me' about men where the ones I dig never dig me back.
Without really thinking about it, what I had to say was that I pursue unavailable people. The ones I like are incapable or just don't want to like me back for one reason or another. All of them perfectly valid reasons. And that's exactly why I want them. Because the relationship that never happens can stay dreamlike and good. And because there's a large part of me that is compelled toward self destruction.
Really, I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of very pointed not thinking.
I've been avoiding the things that will *only* make me miserable long enough that I can come back to them when I feel better equipped. And I'm feeling better equipped all the time.
Nobody falls into a pattern out of sheer bad luck. It's the choices you make. It's the choices *I* make. When I lay everything out I'm not really proud of myself most of the time. Because I don't really deserve it. That's not fucking self pity. It's just the truth. More often than not, my own reactions to things piss me off more than anything else. But I'm trying to be a good person.
When I end up isolated (through my actions and inactions more than anyone else's) I hold on fiercely to those few connections I have that matter to me. I've never learned that that's the surest way to hurt if not just kill that connection. I've done it before. Hell, I'll probably do it again.
I'm on a very even keel at the moment... it just happens to be pretty low in the water. I only had about an hour of sleep and a really physical labor oriented day. I can't get warm and the last thing I want to do is go hang out with my sister all day tomorrow.
I got invited out to play pool tonight, but then the plans dissolved and nothing really came of it. Which is good considering how tired and out of it I am. Just happy being invited along, really.
I'm going to go finish reading Lullaby, the newest Chuck Palanhiuk novel (and it's very excellent. He's always impressive) while I try my damndest to defrost my hands.