January 21st, 2003


You may not smoke cigars at WhiskeyBlue

I'm one extreme or the other in so many of my behaviors, moods, and ways.
I either save EVERYTHING from a trip or I save nothing. I either take 15 rolls of film or none.
I don't have as many matchbooks as I should. I should have picked up one of those flyers from Sliders. Maybe I'll take the bottle opener from the minibar.
When I reach into the pocket of that great silk jacket, I find little plastic whales and airplanes.
I'm not so upset about the lack of a lot of photos.
I think there is going to have to be at least one photo of ME while I'm still here. As a proof? Maybe something like that.
But as for everything else... most of the pictures that needed to be taken were, just not with a camera, and not in anyway that I could show anyone else. And since the only person who would really get it was here with me... then problem solved.

I woke up a lot last night. And I'm kind of glad I did. It prolongued my time in a weird way. It also made all those bizarre dreams even more bizarre because I could analyze them all in half-awake clarity.
I dunno. I'm just rambling at this point. I thought I should write something in this space while I was still here.

I'm such an emotional girl. But it's in such a damned good way.
Changes are gradual and sudden. Moods are subtle and harsh.
I'm a roller coaster ride built and maintained under its own laws of aerodynamics. And it's invite only.

still very high.

I'm a happy happy girl.
This was the best weekend of my life thusfar, I think. I was 5 years old. I was a gorgeous thing. I was a sophisticated creature with varied appetites. I was a silly little punk ass.
I am wonderful.

Karl suprised me with a trip to New York. I'm exhausted and there aren't enough words in the english language and not enough talent in my brain to shape them in order to adequately describe how I feel. It was just the best. thing. evar.

The people who are consistently good to me are going to be held close. Fiercely and tightly close.
The people who are good to me when the feel like it or when they can be bothered to pay attention to the strange weave of my emotions are going to get discarded. I've said this all before. But I've never felt quite *this* way before. It's all a matter of stages and right now I'm in this heady place where I'm not going to accept second best.
Gaddamn I hope it lasts. It's nice really giving enough of a fuck about myself to just demand more.

I'll say it again.
I am wonderful.
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    very happy