February 2nd, 2003


informative *and* funny

mjfgates(01:07 AM) :
From the inside, depression is a set of habits of thought. Ways of thinking that your brain gets into, and if you don't get out of them it tends to prevent you from acting. One of those habits is exaggerating consequences, intentions, etc., to ridiculous proportions.... liiiiike, thinking "I'm going to fuck you in the ass with this forty-ounce bottle of malt liquor!" rather than thinking "I'm going to say 'Nooo, not doing that.' "

old school scattered.

I'm reading through old posts.
More than wanting to strangle myself for being a blind, foolish idiot right around this time last year... I'm shocked by how romantic I was. And how unabashed I was about expressing it. I don't *remember* being that loopy/lovey dovey... But I guess I was. Especially toward the end there... I have to wonder how much was fooling myself, how much was honestly just caught up in it... and how much was just for his sake.

My relationship with Chad was a lot like my previous relationships where I wanted him to be happy, so I did everything I could do make that happen, even though I knew it wasn't sustainable. Then throw in the curve of him being *literally* on the other side of the country.
Man, how was I ever that needy?
I think that's what's so disturbing in those posts. The almost MANIC need to convince me and him and everyone else that I was in love and super happy and everything was really gaddamned great. I'm so sorry I ever did that to him. I'm sorry I did it to me. I'm always sorry when I look back and realize how much my weird little decisions affect the lives of other people, and usually not in a positive way.

Shifiting gears, I also found the last time I took that Keirsey temperament sorter thing... I'm an iNTp. A Rational iNTp, also called an Architect.
I've always found these things to be sort of off and really... I dunno if this is acurate or not. My mirror is a little warped at the moment.
I shouldn't read random journals.
Especially when they aren't so random. Because I can extrapolate way too much about a person, and that person's people.

My father is desperately trying to get more deductions on the taxes. Coming in here and making me look shit up for him.
The homeowners' association charges us these weird 'association dues'... he was trying to deduct them. I told him they wouldn't be because they're imposed by a private company, not the government. He read through all the literature anyway and was disappointed when I was right.
Now he's trying to see if he can deduct the cost of his cell phone as an 'at home business' expense. Whenever he finds out something isn't deductable... he comes and reads the passage to me.
I don't want to talk to him on an everyday polite talk sort of basis. I sure as hell don't want to talk to him when he's in this fact finding, I will be right, I am the master of all knowledge mode.
Headphones on, disinterested look firmly in place, he'll ignore it when he's in this mode.

Listening to Beat Spectrum (the low stream is here and it's the one I listen to because I'm a looooooooser)
And you should listen tooo... Beat Spectrum -
What it's played in the last hour, in order:
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  • Current Music
    beat spectrum: Evil 9 - Cake Hole

(no subject)

so, I think I'll be spending some of my day downloading some Renegade Sounwave, Andy Partridge and Harold Budd, Scorn, and some Orb.

My ears are happy.
  • Current Music
    beat spectrum: over 30GB of electronic, jazz, indie, blues, funk, hip-hop, latin, and god knows what

(no subject)

Oh. My. God.

Guarantee you that I know at least half of those people.
Guarantee you that I have no idea which of them I know becuase I knew them as "vyktorr" and now they're called "schwymiel" or some shit.

Rocky Horror, club Vertigo, the Wave...
hehe.. pretty amazing that the things you fell into with no effort when you were 15 are still around, unchanged. Even the people who were involved then. The 30 year old who was weird, trying too hard, starting to bald... he's still there. But now he's 40, much more bald, still trying too hard.

creepy stuff, man.