June 18th, 2004


Dear Neighbor Two Houses Down -

I realize that keeping your lawn manicured and your hedges neatly trimmed to the shapes of your liking affords you a level of comfort and satisfaction that little else is capable of. I can tell in the way you'll cut your grass in the rain. I can tell in the way you have those bags of mulch piled and waiting in the event that you just might need more.
Yes, your neeed for total lawn perfection is clear, and I can appreciate wanting to present your home as a showplace, going out of your way to make sure it is not only nice but *beautiful*.

While I know that you must abhor having any dust, dirt, stray leaves, or other detritus (it's outside, dammit! It should be tidy!) on your sidewalk or driveway, if you ever end up running your leaf blower at 8:30 in the morning again I will fill its tank with sugar, burn your hedges, and write something interesting in borax on your lawn.

yuppie asshole.