September 13th, 2004

NewYorkNewYork

go back about two years in your own journal and you'll see what I mean.

I was going through really old entries today looking for one in particular.

I really was that dumb, wasn't I? Two years ago and I was that fucking childish and dumb and needy that I just took any little scrap of anything I was handed and ran with it. What a damned wounded animal of a person I was.

I don't make a lot of soppy emotional "OHMYGODYOUARETHEBESTTHINGEVARRRR" kind of posts about Karl because I don't need to. First of all, he's right here. He knows I love him. He knows that he is the most important person in my life and that more than just "not going anywhere" he's sooo stuck with me. He's my best friend and he has been since the moment I met him. If we hadn't ended up opening our eyes and seeing what was sitting here in front of us calling us idiots, we would still be *just* best friends. This is fact.
I've learned in the past few years that I don't have to scream something in order for it to be real. And often, if I'm screaming it, it's not real at all... as I witnessed today reading back a few years.

The people I've been with in the past were people I chose for one reason or another. Usually it was a heavy measure of "want to fix them" mixed with a heavy measure of "want someone to fix me". Get burnt by wanting to fix people enough times and you learn to stop wanting that. Learn to stop wanting that and you learn to fix yourself.
I was dumb for a lot of years. But it was honest idiocy. I really didn't know any better.

I don't make soppy posts about Karl, but I could. And I know that. And knowing that I could take any number of small things done or said any day of any month and babble about them in an entry (instead of having to invent things to convince myself with) more than satisfies the need to do so.
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