April 8th, 2005

Shadow Grin

It's the migraine or the eclipse or just about that time

I realized the other day that I really did just stop writing at some point. It didn't trickle away in stages and it wasn't something I grew out of or away from. I just stopped. I never wrote stories. I didn't really write poems. I used to just write. I wrote stuff.
There is something necessarily romantic about the act of sitting down and scribbling away, pouring things on to paper, feeing like it's important. Becuase it is important. In a way that no one outside of yourself will ever understand. I've known a lot of writers and I tend to have rather uneasy relationships with them. I think to be a writer who actually writes, you have to have a chip on your shoulder. You have to know, even when everyone else doesn't, that you and your words are somehow meaninful and matter in a way that most people's don't. Even if that's not a conscious thing or ot something you exactly bring up all the time, you still just sort of know it.
I like that.
But I also don't like that.
Mainly because I am incapable of it.
I think I stopped writing because I knew that whatever it was I had to say wasn't actually meaningful to anyone beyond me. I could imagine other people reading and liking these things, but there always seemed to be too much backstory involved. I could never just put out things to a point. I'm disatisified with every photograph I've ever taken whether I did it with a camera or a pen.

Can you actually *be* a creative person without creating anything? I like the idea that the process is the product, but I stopped doing that too.

Sometimes I feel like I lost myself. Sometimes I feel like I've just been peeling off layers for years waiting for the core. I don't know which it is, or if it's a combination, or if I'm just overthinking something that doesn't really need thinking about in the first place.
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