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Hostilities


Mike has me spooked. Just another psycho, doing slow rolls past the house and hang ups at odd hours. I don't think he's the flip out sort. I know he isn't. There is very little that I am still sure of about him... and I used to know him so well....
Can a catastrophic car accident inexorably change a person?
He lost a lot of blood. Broke a lot of bones. Spent some time in a light coma.
Could he have touched something there? Something that changed him?
I doubt it.
I guess that my powers of perception just suck.
I was wrong about him.
In all the years I knew him as a sweet, unassuming, reserved and caring person there was this greedy little vortex lingering in those green green eyes.
And now, somehow, someway, I'm .. ... oh wow... I hate even saying it.. but I'm a target.
Dunno how.
Dunno why.
But there it is.
And there he is.
Rolling slowly past the house yet again.

I have these big life decisions to make right now. Nothing in my world has ever been clear cut and very little has been easy. No one has handed me much of anything, except a few chances here and there that I normally wouldn't have gotten and some patience from unlikely and wonderful sources. That's more than most have gotten, really. I don't understand the pampered kids who got it all and still find room to complain. I don't understand the ones who got the car from mom and dad, the money from mom and dad, the college funds from mom and dad, the moral support and love and tenderness from mom and dad.
I don't understand it... and part of me just plain doesn't like it.
I'm a class snob.
I've got a big ol chip on my shoulder.
Chances are, that if you fit the above characteristics, I have a hard time liking you..... or in most cases, a hard time even standing you.
I'm not *proud* of this aspect of my nature. I don't revel in my own inability to accept those who've had different lives. But I accept it. Becuase, well, I don't see it changing.
Usually it takes evidence, examples.. it takes me SEEING that I am wrong in order to facilitate change. And, quite frankly, I haven't seen anything from rich kid little shit heads who got everything in the world handed to them to make me think any kindlier toward them.
Shallow?
yep.
Shitty?
yes indeedy.
Am I going to be ashamed of this?
Fuck no. It's just my experience.

I'm not from a slum.... but everything I have I've worked to get.
me personally.

that's probably why I don't have shit to show for it.
grr.

I don't know what my next step here is. I don't know what to do.
Get a job, save up for the move, and just hope that when I get there things will pan out?
Get a job, go to school, get A+ certified, get out there and hope things will pan out?
Just go out there now and blow my meager savings on a hotel or something while I get a job at the local quicky mart?

I'm still semi convinced that I can't survive there on my own.
I'm still convinced that I just ... can't.... do it.

well, intermitently anyway.

It's not the location, ya know... it's the person. I'm moving to wherever the hell my support is. It just happens to be in Washington.

I had more to rant about.
I'm hostile anyway and then people keep popping up and making it worse. I'm going to either dig a hole and hide in it or run around screaming and let my mouth dig the hole.

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maddening
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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