A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

I should...

I should be studying my A+ book. But I feel instantly dumb when I open the cover. Not stupid, just dumb. Like someone's smacked me over the head with a lead sap. "conforms to the skull, delivering a more solid hit"
Drinking more coffee. I need the speed in my head.
Chad points out my ADD like symptoms whenever they pop up. The unfinished projects, the odd way that words hit my brain, the random thoughts that really do come from something I read or saw but I just didn't consciously register it... it's good that I think I might know where a chunk of my ...oddness... comes from. And it's good that I could probably be diagnosed and given drugs. So I could sell them to someone else.
Or, I *could* actually use them. Amps make me feel focused (another ADD thing) they make me feel level and calm and clear headed. That could come in handy, but probably rob me of my ability to do way too many things at once. I always work best when overwhelmed. An ex saw me at work once and actually said "you're really dynamic," giving me one of his corporate learned 'think outside the box', mission statement buzzwords.
But he meant well.
I'm not feeling as disconnected and sad today. But it'll return. It's just how things go.
Today, I'm feeling very internalized again. Very enamoured of the sound of my own voice in my head. This is making it hard to really ... relate to my surroundings.
It's the fog.
That's why the ADD thing is popping up. That cottony, thick feel in my mind.
I'm hoping my father can snag a pc from the base. They throw out hundreds of them every day. Just toss them out. It'll get worse as they start to implement the NMCI ... or uh.. whatever it is. They're going to have to upgrade all their recent upgrades..
Lil trivia for you.... building #W143 on the norfolk naval base is the second largest building owned by the US Navy.
It's where they're installing the east coast portion of the navy marine... something.. internet. My brother's one thrilled little geek boy about getting to work on it. He's technically in the customer service portion of his company, but he's made friends with everyone on the tech side and is considered 'one of them' more than he is one of the smarmy CS reps. I spent a lil over a hundred dollars on geek books for him last night... on *3* books.
Count em... *3*
I think that's what I'm going to hate the most about this direction I'm taking... the literature is just too damned expensive unless you're actually making decent bank in the field.
Rambling. I'm rambling.
I want to play with photoshop for awhile longer today. I want to find hosting that isn't Chad's server. I feel like I'm taking advantage of his web space. Well, actually, I don't have the motivation to find hosting on my own. Heh... so I'll just keep using his space.
The pictures I took in seattle encouraged me toward the idea that the whole art side of things that I abandoned years ago because I couldn't draw is a possibilty. My mom complimenting the composition... that's what did it I think. I've always loved photography, Tom was always pushing me to take the initiative and just do it... but with his skills and my grandfather having been an excellent photographer, I just felt it would be one big joke. A big JOKE that *I* would get into that.
My lack of confidence is always the thing that kills my ambition.
I know this
I find no comfort in *knowing* where I'm fucked up.

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