A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

I was taken shopping.

Shoes were purchased. I spent half an hour trying to decide just how to lace them and ended up not deciding. The left is laced over the outside. the right is laced under. That's how they're staying for now. They're to replace the airwalks with the completely cracked sole that lets water seep in.
I ran out of cigarettes last night. I've been making due with roll your owns.
I am horrible at rolling cigarettes. And I really want filters.
So I've been smoking quite a bit less. Maybe that's the key to cutting down. Getting rid of the convenience of premade cigarettes. Of course, I still want a big bag of filters and better papers and a lil machine roller. So maybe the key is to stop finding accessories or excuses to continue.
Mister questions is thoroughly broken. He can't have real and meaningful conversations with me because we get along too well. We're pretty close. Well... we're pretty close when we aren't being horribly distant. We were really close at one point in time. And we talk really well. There's things he talked to me about on a regular basis that he never felt comfortable sharing with anyone before. He still maintains that fact.
However, we had a relationship. Screwed up and short lived though it was, there was naked time. He feels uncomfortable talking to 'ex girlfriends' while he's in a relationship. This is further complicated in my case because he knows that were he to have real conversations with me, he would feel closer to me than to his girlfriend. And though I am 100% definitely just a friend and neither of us have any illusions or desires about hooking back up again, he just can't wrap his brain around being closer to an ex than he is with the current girl while he's with the current girl.
He's broken.
He's got major issues.
I'm not hurt by this. I'm sort of suprised that I'm not... but it's a very welcome suprise. I can say for sure that now I'm over him and all the crap that happened. Of course there are things I still want answers for. But that doesn't mean it still effects me in anything approaching the way it did. No, I'm not hurt.
I'm dissapointed. There is potential there for him to be an excellent friend. But he won't allow it. I don't have any illusions about my importance in his life... but I had hoped that I would be important enough for actual friendship.
So, I have to wait until this relationship dissolves or he thinks he can deal with my friendship *and* a his relationship.
THIS, folks, I am convince, is what happens when you are forced to attend christian private schools for your entire school career and then are planted into a place like A&M and have major and pretty fucking horrible things happen with your first serious relationship. You end up broken, closed off, but full of potential at an age when you should be meeting it instead of still trying to come to grips with it.

And Tim... dear lord Tim...
It's been about two months since his little sister died.. and somehow.. .he seems more upset about Tom. I got into a long conversation with him this morning (I only slept for about 3 hours this morning. In bed at 4:30, up at 7:30 when he called needing to talk) while he was very very stoned. He'd been at a party, and on the way home decided to go visit his sister's grave. Somehow this ended up with him completely inconsolable about Tom.
(is it wrong that I think if I have children and there's a boy, I want it to be named Tom?)
They knew each other. But I never knew that they were as close as Tim thinks they were. How did I miss this? I lived with Tom fer chrissakes. Apparently they talked *all* the time. They were probably closer than Tom and Mike were... which is hard to imagine because they were somewhat attached at the hip.
He told me he was glad he was with me when the ashes were deposited. And he dissagrees with Mike about Mike's feelings that I did Tom a disservice with how I dealt with his ashes. He knows that how I did things was right. And he started asking me all sorts of questions about my feelings about Tom.
He wants to know why I never talk about him.
He wants to know why I leave the room when he gets brought up.
he wants to know why I don't have any pictures... why no one has any pictures except Cheryl. ANd he wants to know why I never cry about it.
I had to explain that I talk about Tom all the time, just not around him because I never realized that he might care to know all those little things. I talk to Chad about Tom all the time. Anecdotes and stories and things he used to say...
And I leave the room when he gets mentioned because I still can't stand to hear it. I can't stand the past tense that's always lingering around his name.
And I explained the whole thing about the pictures. Tom had them all. And now Cheryl has them all and she's convinced herself that I'm somehow evil (even though I spent months doing nothing but comforting her over the death of a boyfriend she cheated on anyway) and refuses to give me the ONE photo I've asked for (me and tom, insomniacs together, laughing on my bed, camera held at arms length and our foreheads touching, huge smiles, not professional work.. just a picture... ) out of nasty spite.

And I had to let him down in his notions of me as super woman.
I cry about Tom all the time.

It's time for me to start talking about this. I probably won't do it here much because the repetition in topics will just drag some of you down and rereading it will just make me feel like a whiner and I'll stop talking.
It's been almost a year and I've never really grieved because there was always someone else to take care of. I can do this and be level and sane and together. I know that I can. It's all the time that I've been avoiding that I've been quick to temper and overly sensitive.
full balloons pop under pressure.. .leaky balloons just bounce back.

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