A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

I think that ...

This is probably the silliest damned thing I've ever seen in debate

"Hey what do you guys think of war? "


"war, huh... good god y'all ... what is it good for? "

Feeling rather bizarre. I want a real camera so bad. I want to be at a point with my confidence where I can say "I'm a photographer" or at least "photography is a serious hobby for me"
As it stands, I get a lucky shot in now and again and digital cameras are great for ease of use, but suck for actual substantive pictures with their shitty zooms, annoying auto focus, and no such thing as a shutter speed adjustment.
I like the digital mediums a lot. But I will never be very good at them. So I will *always* feel like I'm just doing a hack job in comparison to all those people out there who are excellent. But actual photography... I dunno... something about loving it and then finding out my grandfather did it professionally. And then ending up living with Tom and THEN finding out that he did it professionally. The stink of development chemicals is just as homey and comforting to me as the hum of a processor fan to a geek.
I keep falling in love with and becoming discouraged with the idea of me as some sort of artist. Being able to actually do that... I don't know.
I don't do that whole "attaining my dreams" thing. That's for people with trust funds or names like "Rhiannon".
How I feel about showing those pics I *do* like.. how I feel about posting them and possibly inviting criticism... I feel like this chick.
OR I feel like an attention whore, seeking sychophants to throw me praise.
I hate whining. And I hate asking for pity. And I feel like I do both of those in equal measure at times. The hell of it is... as soon as you give me pity... I'll steadfastly refuse to accept it. Heh. I won't even accept true help when I really need it unless it's something that it's very important.
I'm broken.
But at least I can see it ::shrug::
When I started this journal, I was *very* fucked in the head. I was very very confused and addled and I did a lot of introspection. I've fallen away from that a lot because of the people I see using this forum as a platform for their need to exhibit. I see that in people, I hate it a little... And that's because I know I've got the same need.
At least I don't post in naked parts, eh?

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