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Dec. 12th, 2001

Okay. so.
I can't afford the things I want to get for people for christmas.
I can't decide what I'm doing with my life right now.
I can't seem to be supportive enough for Tim.
I can't find a way to let out all these things that are still hurting about Tom.
I can't get my boyfriend to tell me when something I do upsets him.
I can't understand the HNG bullshit.
I can't get my shit together.
I can't figure out where it is I'm going wrong in general or specific.
I can't seem to get anything done in a day.
I can't keep my nose out of other people's problems.
I can't express a point of view without it sounding like condemnation or praise.
I can't get around being ... this... person... I am.
I can't stop checking and rechecking my mail.
I can't stop thinking about cutting and SI and anorexia and drugs.
I can't keep myself from wondering about the love that lies in the chamber of a needle.
I can't help but think that thinner really IS better.
I can't express myself very well.
I can't stop blaming myself EVERY time Chad is upset about ANYTHING.
I can't stop blaming myself for... everything. all of it.
I can't stop wondering if maybe I'd just tried, Tom wouldn't have moved to California.
I can't stop wondering why I'm sitting here alone again.
I can't help but be angry that I was right there talking to you and you couldn't tell me you were mad.
I can't imagine what the rest of this month is going to be like.
I can't picture a happy christmas for me or chad.
I can't help still wanting to try.
I can't imagine that sleep is going to come to me easily tonight.
I can't imagine staying awake.
I can't keep my eyelids from drooping.
I can't remember what Tom's voice sounded like.
I can't stop crying when I think about it.
I can't help but feel weak and small.
I can't...
I can't do so much.
I can't feel like I matter much right now.
I can't imagine why I would matter.
I can't picture me feeling like this for long.
I can't stop waiting for you to sign back on.
I can't just sit here.

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