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Dec. 15th, 2001

I'm ... sad I think?
Hard to say.
I want to find all the things that have every touched me and just... reread them and relisten and feel it all again. I want to open myself up to emotional torment and pain and rapture. I want my heart to explode and detonate and die and breath.
I want to listen to the downward spiral and feel it the way I did in high school. I want to read that poem that jay wrote me that I still can't find and know that I'm one of people looking through the eyes of shattered angels that he's talking about.
I want to feel how I felt the night I knew Tom was dead. I want to wail like that for days and days. I want to have another panic attack. I want to be crushed by love. I want to be scared and hopeful and untouchable. I want to condense down my life of feelings... all of them.. and put them in a pill and chew it up, swallow it down, rub it into my gums.

pensive (pnsv)
Deeply, often wistfully or dreamily thoughtful.
Suggestive or expressive of melancholy thoughtfulness.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 15th, 2001 04:46 am (UTC)
Reminds me of those nights when I'd scour the net, looking for those songs that meant something to me back when I was in high school, hoping I could listen to them just to capture a fragment of how I felt when I was that age.

Sometimes I think I feel less now than I did then. So I stay awake too late at night, wishing I could feel what I used to.
Dec. 15th, 2001 11:52 am (UTC)
The downward spiral will never be what it used to be for me. Listening last night I really realized that. Which makes me sad, but so utterly happy as well. Becuase I was so broken when that touched me.
And because it doesn't touch me anymore... I won't say I'm healed, but I'm not *as* broken.

I do that too... looking for the songs that I think might give me solace like they used to. It never works.
The odd thing is... I'm so much more emotional and feeling now. I'm so much more willing to let myself feel things.
I was the definition of "icy". I was hard and calm and unfuckwithable.

heh.. I do occasionally miss that. I miss being numb. ::nods::
Dec. 16th, 2001 10:34 am (UTC)
I'm sure you can convince some shady medical practitioner to get you some kind of neural blocker...
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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