A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

mmmkay. I didn't want to start an abortion debate on my journal.
And neither did I want to revive a debate on someone else's journal. Sorry about that whip_lash.
I posted that entry linking back to his stance on the abortion debate because it really did make me cringe. It made me think about things I haven't thought about in awhile, and it brought back that 3 months I went through where I considered myself a murderer and I thought I didn't *deserve* to make choices like that because I *obviously* made the wrong ones. Because I'd killed something. I'd killed something that was growing inside of me that was part of me and part of someone with whom I'd stupidly had sex with. I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. I hadn't wanted to hook up and get some nookie. It was coerced like ALL sex with WIll was coerced. As soon as he was done, I sat naked on the edge of the bed and cried and for the next year I wasn't much happier than I was at that moment right there.
The day I had the abortion, after he'd told his family and they'd harassed me with phone calls telling me to have it and give it to them, and they'd raise it if I was too much of a murderous slut to have it on my own (nearly a quote), after he'd told me he hated me for this decision that he felt he didn't have a part of , after he'd pleaded how much he loved me and wanted to love this baby, was ready for fatherhood, ready for whatever it took.... the day I had the abortion, after I was hope, sleepy, still hurting, laying in bed... I called. I wanted comfort. His roomate said he was busy. I insisted on talking to him. His roomate just kept saying he was busy...
Then the roomate told me Will was fucking this girl (who's name I can't remember) that he'd had several fucked up flings with in the past (and who'd stolen a bunch of money off him.. ANGIE! Her name was Angie..), and he'd been fucking her all day long.

Will's explanation?
he was upset.

I eventually graduated from feeling like a murder to just feeling like a worthless, stupid waste. A statistic. one more stupid little girl who'd gone out, gotten pregnant, and then said "oops" and got rid of the evidence. I didn't hate myself as much as I just hated the whole thing. All of it.

I've had several years to give this deep thought and apply some introspection.
I did the right thing for all the parties involved.. yes... even the baby. Oh, sure, right to live, yadda yadda... but were I to have given birth to it I would be in control of its destiny, right? I could give it away, neglect it, nurture it, whatever I wanted. "What gives you the right to do that to your unborn child?"
The fact that it's a part of me.. that it's MY unborn child and up until a certain point, it's just a chunk of cell growth that, given enough time, will develop into more. But at the time that I had the abortion (gestation 7 weeks 2 days) it was a 3/4 inch long bundle of slowly specializing cells.
That's it.
I don't think about the child that could have been. I don't picture a 3 year old baby toddling around, playing cute and drooling. I don't picture what my life would be like now if I had.
Because I didn't.
I didn't have it.
I made that choice.
Right or wrong it's the choice I made.

I didn't post that article to open up the topic of my abortion ... or ANYONE'S abortion... to discussion. I posted it because it made me think.
And lordy lord, sometimes that's what I actually use this journal for... a place for me to put into words the things that I'm thinking.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions. it isn't an easy topic and even I don't know how I feel about it. NO ONE SHOULD.
If you have an iron clad set of beliefs about... welll... anything... then I think that maybe there's something wrong with you. But that's just the way I see things. I admire stalwart faith sometimes, but more often than not it just scares me, no matter *what* the faith is in.
I don't have clear cut ideas and feelings about my abortion or the topic in general. I also don't want to be MADE to have clear cut ideas.

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