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Jan. 7th, 2002



LJ is annoying me at the moment.
It's kind of been annoying me for the last couple days.
downtime is, of course, expected...
heh.. and the status is interesting..
"Our network provider has been having some problems, but they are on it.
Bear with us; for once, I think it is not our fault!"


I talked for a good long while today to Chad.
My father was getting to me. And Chad makes that better. For the escape and for the ability to talk to him about these things.
Those odd things that are so hard to explain to someone who's never felt them.
the tinges of things that just poke, not bludgeon. but a skin full of needles is worse than one swift blow... and Chad understands that better than anyone I've ever known.
Yes, even better than Tom.
Tom just took me at my word... and he knew things without asking.
He didn't need to know the why's... they weren't the important part.
Chad, on the other hand, takes me at my word, knows things without asking, and knows and understands the whys.
So on the rare time that he doesn't, I am more than happy to explain.
I've never had an issue being understood by him. That's never happened with someone in a relationship before.
It's just one of the very many reasons I'm in love with him.
It's just one of the very very many reasons why this is the best thing I've had. And why this ... this connection with him... is good.
No, scratch that... its GOOD and great and excellent and it makes me smile twice as much as it makes me tear up.
Sappy?
Yes.
Sorry?
Fuck off.
I deserve this. He deserves this.
Clarity of intent and the knowledge that what we are doing is RIGHT.

I was talking to him about my potential naked bits photos.
I won't be putting them up here.
Because of the way their MENTION was reacted to.
I can't put parts of me on display for an audience that's just going to see that those are labia or that's a clitoris and that stuff there.. that's moisture from the vaginal opening... I can't put up parts of me to be fucking oogled. I can't put up parts of me for the replies and the comments and the people asking for more.
It's nothing inherently wrong with you who replied that way.
Not at all.
It's normal to react that way.
It's just not a reaction I would feel is desired or dealable.
I would put them up as pictures of an interesting anatomical landscape. The curves and ripples and skin tones and textures visible and beautiful.
They would be taken as snatch shots.
I'm not going to debase myself like that.

If there were some way that I could show what I think is beautiful without being confronted with "that's hot" comments or the like, I'd consider it... but there are no forums I can think of that would be able to accomodate that.
Tom took photos once... me and malcolm naked.
Malcolm was a very very dark cocoa. almost pure onyx black.
I am decidedly milky white.
pictures on a black bed. Pictures on a white bed.
my back with his arms embracing me.
his hands cupping my breasts.
entangled limbs, his lips on my neck.

the photos were very meticulously posed.
the effect could be called erotic... but it's the composition that matters.
they were beautiful photos.
He sold the whole set for several hundred thousand to a private collector.
It was body art.
nothing more, nothing less.

I dunno.. I look at the pictures I was thinking of posting... and I see them in the same way I've seen the other photos I've been proud of. Nice lighting. nice angles. visual interest.... I don't know..
either my view of beauty is horribly skewed or I need to just start at art school so I can turn up my nose at everyone...

So I'll stick with the 'safe' things that are just as beautiful.
This picture of my hip.
my neck, hands, lips, eyes, legs...

I reserve all my other beautiful parts for Chad.
Becuase he loves them for the sexuality just as much as he loves them for their nice composition.
As Tom would say "excellent lines"

and you have to believe that coming from the mouth of someone who was never a lover, but who'd wake you up with the noise of another sheet being ripped off his sketch pad so that he could do another study of the soft dip of your fingers over the edge of the mattress....

And I feel that with Chad.
That apprecitation and love for all my little beautiful movements and parts.
I feel loved when he looks at me. and I'm old enough to understand the difference between love and lust.

He's excellent and I'm so happy that he's actually mine.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
frobisher
Jan. 7th, 2002 07:19 pm (UTC)
Bummer about the pictures. :-) I would have been more interested in them, oddly I suppose, as pictures of someone I care about more than as porn, but hey. I'm weird.

More importantly, your words above are... I'm not sure how to describe it, but that was wonderful. Chad's a lucky, lucky man. And you, apparently are a lucky woman.

I guess I'll go off to listen to Joe Jackson's Happy Loving Couples a few dozen times now...
mjfgates
Jan. 8th, 2002 12:48 am (UTC)
You win. Kinda cool, ain't it?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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