A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

yeah well....

I've had some stuff pinging around in my head lately.
Number theories and crypto (which I don't have the brain for)
and what I Want To Do With My Life
and all that shit.
I don't have any answers.
Just a lot of questions. Because I haven't been paying enough attention to my own lil voices lately to answer what it is I want to do with my life.
I've been focusing on getting closer to Chad.. wether that means on this coast, that coast, somewhere in the middle... I don't care.
Closer to Chad is what counts.
And nothing is close enough until I can lean my back against his chest while I sleep.
But I'm going to have to do something.
Or I'm going to go insane.
Do I just sit back, let him support me (if that's viable) and concentrate on this whole push toward artistic sorts of things?
Isn't it a little odd to discover that you have artistic inclinations at age 24?
inclinations that you want to pursue?

I love photography.
And there's a part of me that thinks that I'm falling more in love with it since Tom died.
Like I'm... picking up where he left off.. but with a necessary degrading of skills due to lack of use in the interum.
It's not that I'm just doing this for him... not at all.
I've always loved photography.
I've always loved making things....

I've just never had any faith in my own abilities in... anything
absolutely anything
I can't sing (which I'm actually good at... none of YOU (except Chad) have heard it.... and there's a REASON for that)
I can't write (I've written some things I'm actually really proud of)
I can't match up on the intellectual levels of the vast majority of people I know (not true)
I can't paint (true)
I can't draw (people... I can't draw people)
I can't photograph well (but I do, dammit... I really gaddamned do)

ANd don't even get me started on interpersonal skills, rational behavior or being a good person because those... those I can't even begin to be real about.

This isn't an "I hate myself" rant.
Not at all.
I'm just very unsure of what I'm on about and what's happening next.

Art school would be wonderful

but equally horrible.

Geek stuff.... good good stuff...

But there would never be a point in time when I wouldn't feel like a lil newbie dork.

I dunno.
I'm just so sick of doing what I have to do all the time.
I'm so sick of not being me and getting to feel like me.

I'm rude and ugly and horribly mean.
I'm also forgiving and sweet and incredibly kind hearted.

and I feel almost dead sometimes because it's so confined.

but on a cheerier note, I have coffee!

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