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camera got here today.
I am *very* happy about that.

My bed has officially died.
Which means I'm going to be a floor/couch sleeper from this point on...
and I don't really care.

Sean still isn't awake and Tim is playing the 'oh no, you have to track me down in order to get information' game, so I had to talk to Mike. He actually put on that "I'm concerned for you" voice and asked how I was doing.

it's not really my tragedy, is it?
Until they try to blame me, it's not my fault and nothing that could have been prevented

I hope he lives... but only if he keeps up with the meds and tries to fucking have a life.
if not... well... then there isn't much point in him living, is there?

had a nightmare about going to Bristow and going in to visit Jason and walking into his basement apartment to find him rotting, bloated, bug infested, and starting to liquifey on his bed... head nearly ripped off from the ligature of plastic bag around his face that had, thankfully, been too fogged from the condensation of putrification for me to see his features.
he was mostly a tight greenish blue all over..spots of black starting.
carpet beneath the bed already ruined.

I know I fucked myself over by allowing myself to get a very very clear mental image of what rotting corpses look like....
But I can't help but feel that I don't deserve dreams like these.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2002 12:38 pm (UTC)
heh. You'll horrify people, thinking that... you're not wrong, but you know people. They get all sensitive about things.
Jan. 26th, 2002 01:11 pm (UTC)
thinking what?
That Sean should die if he's not going to bother trying to have a real life?
That I don't deserve dreams about a rotting ex boyfriend?

That I'm happy about my camera?
what? what?
I'm eager to horrify, as usual.
Jan. 26th, 2002 02:47 pm (UTC)


[runs off into the distance]
Jan. 26th, 2002 07:06 pm (UTC)
The first one, mostly... the others, well, people would be horrified if you showed them where you learned what rotting corpses look like, but otherwise... y'know, MOST people don't have dreams like that. Or if they do, they really don't like them.
Jan. 26th, 2002 08:20 pm (UTC)
yeah I know...
I've been thinking about that statement.
And yes, I still think it's valid.
He's got schizophrenia. He's barely alive as it is, when he's not on meds and being taken care of. Yes, he needs to be around trustworthy people who can take care of him. And he probably will for the rest of his life.
If you don't watch over his shoulder constantly, he decides that the pills are CAUSING his illness and stops taking them.

I pretty much hate myself right now for letting myself know exactly what a decomposing corpse looks like.. in a moderatly temperatured home, in freezing weather, in the elements, in water, in saltwater... after a day.. after a week.. after a month... after a few months... with and without bug infestations...
It's never slapped me in the face so hard that I actually have seen and absorbed all of that.
And I must have... how else would I have known all those things? I have a vivid imagination.. but not that vivid.

And I have dreams like that all the time. Very clear dreams ... just not usually with corpses of ex boyfriends (who've, in the dream, killed themself in a way that they've discussed killing themself)

it's thoroughly jacked up my head for today
I really don't want to sleep anymore if this is what my brain is going to regurgetate on me
Jan. 27th, 2002 01:53 am (UTC)
You could set up one of those bobbly bird things on your monitor, to represent me nodding all the time while you're talking... yep, yep yep, ahhhhhyup....

Advantages of being old, all that dead bodies stuff didn't really become available until after I knew it was going to be a bad idea to look at it. Y'know, you could blow off azmatiq, could go back to not knowing anybody that really mattered in a positive way. It ain't worth it, I think, but.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


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