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I had this sudden seering fear of death just hit me a lil bit ago.
For the first time in a long long time I have so much to keep going for. I've got plans and things I want to do and things I want to see and feel and I've got someone who loves me an incredible amount and all of a sudden... I was just so fucking scared.

I was thinking about those people who look for the patterns in the numbers.
Like on 02/02/02 ... the 20 year olds on 02/02/02... that would be even *more* interesting if that were your birthday. And I thought about years matching up. The next time I'll be in an addition of 10 to my birthyear it will be 2007. And the next time it will have the same ending as my birth year... 2077.. that would make me 100... that doesn't seem far away. It seemed horribly close. And I realized.. I won't live that long.. and I just wanted to fall over and cry at this realization.

When you spend years and years of your life just waiting to die... and then you suddenly realize you don't want to die anymore... it.. I guess this is what it feels like, hmm?

That's why holly doesn't make plans. That's why holly doesn't look for long term. That's why holly avoids commitment even to people she loves.
Because she's been waiting her whole life for her life to stop.
And doesn't want to stand anyone up.

I just really freaked myself out and I'm doing a poor job of explaining.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 6th, 2002 12:23 pm (UTC)
Damn, Sorry hun.

... but I know what ya' mean.

I wear my seat belt now, and never did before. *nod*

... and I never answer the question "Hows life?" with my usual "Takin' too fuckin' long."
Feb. 6th, 2002 12:36 pm (UTC)
Hm. I think I understand that better than might be good for me...
Feb. 6th, 2002 06:30 pm (UTC)
::admires you in awe::

you know how long i've felt like that?

long. hmph.

it seems so worth while now, huh?

Feb. 8th, 2002 02:10 am (UTC)
I dig it when you get those incredibly powerful mortality insights at night when there is little left to cling to except the pitiful crap you were brain washed with as a kid. And the biggest pain is that you now know you can feel that mortality and you know it will happen again when it kicks in and yet you know *right*now* that it is bull shit...

also that you can never explain them to people. that sucks... infinity scared the crap out of me for some 10 years. The whole "can't sleep, too scared" thing maybe once a week. Yet you try to explain it to people "but think about it, it's forever. you are nothing in that, I AM NOTHING IN THAT!" and they look at you with a "dude, it's an eight on it's side.." look.
Feb. 8th, 2002 09:41 am (UTC)
I've never had trouble sleeping because of infinity.
But I can dig it.

I can definitely see that, man.

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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